


Harry Styles-Wilson: Hockey Dad

by BananaShark7 (PurpleCrayon), PurpleCrayon



Series: Harry Who? [3]
Category: Harry Styles - Fandom
Genre: F/M, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleCrayon/pseuds/BananaShark7, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleCrayon/pseuds/PurpleCrayon
Summary: Harry got more than he wanted for his 25th birthday - sole custody of his daughter, Rhiannon.  In the months that followed, Harry threw himself into his next album, completing it just in time for a world tour. Harry even turned to some unhealthy habits to keep his mind occupied and unfeeling as he put out two more albums over the next few years. All of this changes, however, when his little girl wants to play hockey, 'just like mommy.'Warnings: mentions of drinking, maybe some language, and all the feelsI recommend reading books  1 and 2 first.(Also posted on Wattpad, not stolen)





	1. Through the Bottle

 

“Harry, are you ready?” An assistant poked their head into the dressing room, and I nodded, even though every part of me felt 100% not ready.

 

“Are you sure?” Jeff asked with that overly cautious concerned tone he’s had for months.

 

“It’s Ellen, she knows what kind of questions to ask, and what to avoid.” I hesitantly answered, more trying to convince myself than Jeff.

 

“It’s your first interview since-”

 

“I’ll be fine.” I cut him off before he could say it.

 

“Harry, you’re up.” The assistant returned, and Jeff gave me a wary look that was most likely his attempt at reassurance as I hopped out of my seat to follow the assistant.

 

“You know the drill - wait here until she introduces you, then the door will be opened and you can make your entrance,” they explained quickly, pointing out the ‘x’ on the floor, before leaving me on my own. I looked down at the spot they’d indicated and made sure my feet covered the tape. A screen nearby showed Ellen as they returned from commercial break, and I watched nervously as she introduced me. She took her time, of course, just to tease me. I wrung my hands in anticipation, running my fingers over each of my rings, but paused before I got to the last one - the most important one. I pushed away the thoughts and feelings it disturbed, back to the far corner of my head, as I had been doing for that past...how many months?

 

“We’ll hear a song from his new album later in the show, here’s Harry Styles!” Ellen finally concluded, and upon hearing my name, I snapped back to focus and remembered where I was. The door opened and I pasted a smile on my face as the shriek of the audience hit me. I felt a bit like an automaton as I entered, going through the pre-programmed motions of waving to the audience, greeting Ellen, thanking her and the audience, and finally sitting down.

 

When it finally got quiet, and everyone settled down, everything seemed to stop; the robotic feeling, the practiced responses, that dull feeling of avoiding something, even my own heart seemed to stop.

 

“So Harry, how have you been?” Ellen asked brightly, almost laughing.

 

“Good,” I lied, since no one ever really wants to hear how you’re doing, and willed a somewhat pleasant expression on my face.

 

“Keeping busy, it seems?” She added, and I nodded. When she realized I wasn’t going to elaborate, she continued. “Well, you have a world tour coming up, and a new album out - both so soon after-”

 

“It’s not that soon after my first album. In fact, it’s been over two years since it came out.” I accidentally interrupted Ellen, leaving her looking a bit surprised, but she laughed it off.

 

“Can you tell us a little about the album? It feels very different from the first one.” She prompted.

 

I cleared my throat, and suddenly felt like I was back at school again trying to recall a maths problem I’d memorized for an exam. “Yes, it has, um, 14 songs this time, and I was in a different place when I wrote it.”

 

I was never any good at maths.

 

“How so, like a different state of mind?” Ellen prodded.

 

“Yeah, well, no - I wrote the first one in Jamaica with a team of people, and this one I wrote in L.A., and it was mostly just me and a few close friends.” The audience seemed to find this funny and laughed.

 

“So you were physically in a different place, I see.” Ellen explained the joke, and I nodded, laughing at myself for not getting my own accidental pun. “And what’s it called?”

 

“Hmm?” I raised my eyebrow in confusion.

 

“The album?” She clarified.

 

“It’s, uh, it’s Harry Styles 2.”

 

“Is that ‘two’ or ‘too’ like, also?” She jokingly asked.

 

“It’s like the number, though I guess it could be ‘too’ as well, since it is technically also ‘Harry Styles’, just like the first album, it’s just different.” I again unknowingly gave a serious answer to a joke, which I realized too late when the crowd laughed.

 

“Right, because you were in L.A. this time.” Ellen smirked, trying to help me out a bit. “Can you tell me about the album art?” She picked up the record on the side table and held it up for the camera to see. “The cover is a bit less colorful than your last album.”

 

“Yeah, I thought this color scheme matched the tone of the album better,” I explained, eyeing the lack of color.

 

“The image looks a bit distorted...is that you on there?” She squinted at the cover, and I tried to laugh.

 

“Yup, that’s me. The photographer thought it would look cool if she took a picture through a glass bottle.” I explained.

 

“Is that emblematic of anything, perhaps?” She asked, and I froze, shaking my head. Ellen could tell the interview was not off to a good start, so she cut to a commercial break. “We’ll be right back with more Harry Styles right after this!” As soon as they stopped filming, she leaned in closer. “Is everything alright?” She asked, looking genuinely concerned.

 

I nodded, but apparently my eyes gave a different answer.

 

“If you’d like, we can skip the next segment and we can go straight to your song?” She offered, and I mulled it over.

 

 _‘Was there an option where I could skip that too, and just leave?’_ Knowing there wasn’t, I nodded my head again, and she called the director over to give him some instructions.

 

Realizing I wasn’t needed anymore, I headed backstage. My band was already warming up as their instruments were being set up, but instead of joining them as I should have, I locked myself in my dressing room. I searched the cabinets quickly - I knew it was only a matter of time before Jeff came looking for me. Spotting the bottle, I hesitated; I knew I shouldn’t - not in the middle of the day like this - but then again one drink wouldn’t hurt, and with the way my hands were shaking, I’d never get through the song.

 

I quickly downed a shot, then after a pause, another, and slid the bottle back to its hiding place before I tried to go for a third. I slumped onto the couch as the tequila warmed me from the inside out in the most artificial and superficial way.

 

As expected, Jeff knocked on the door, and I grabbed a stick of gum so I wouldn’t have to explain why I was drinking in the middle of the day (though, he knows why).

 

“I’m ready. I just needed a moment,” I explained before he had the chance to ask. I joined the rest of my band and we quickly warmed up and checked the sound. Taking our places behind the curtain, something felt so normal all of a sudden, as if nothing had changed.

 

“Welcome back everyone,” Ellen greeted the audience as they returned from commercial break. “As promised, Harry Styles is going to play us a new song off his new album ‘Harry Styles 2’, and this is ‘Lost Angel’.” The curtain rose, and the lights dimmed to bathe us in a dim tone.

 

The slow drawling sound of Mitch’s guitar started up the song, and I mechanically got through the song as if this were one of the many rehearsals we’ve had over the past few weeks. Only the cheering audience at the end of the song reminded me where we were, and as the lights came up, Ellen came over to talk one last time.

  


“Check out Harry’s new album ‘Harry Styles 2’! The release date is next week, and tell me Harry, is that a special date or anything?” She asked, and cocked her head.

 

“April 20?” I shrugged, and the audience laughed at the implication. “Not really.”

 

_‘It’s just my dead wife’s birthday’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting!
> 
> I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write book 3 or not, but here it is! I know, it’s a bit dark and much sadder than the rest, but that’s far more exciting to write (and hopefully to read) than happy fluff. I do apologize for Ellie, but I blame 5SOS because I got inspiration for this story after hearing ‘Ghost of You’ and hearing Luke’s explanation behind the song. 
> 
> The cover photo for this chapter was indeed a picture I took of Harry through a bottle xD It turned out much better than I thought it would.


	2. Lost Angel

Touring is the exact distraction I had needed. Being on the road, staying up late, sleeping in late, and filling the time in between with various mind numbing activities somehow seemed to fill the void. Whenever I found myself thinking of her, I’d try to turn it into a song for my next album, or see if one of my bandmates wanted to go out for a drink. 

 

Mum says I need to deal with my problems, but I am dealing with them. In my own way. I’ve written a whole album out of my problems, and I’m working on a second. She’s with me every night I’m on that stage, every second I’m rehearsing, and in every word I write. 

 

However, Ellie is not necessarily the only ‘problem’ mum might have been referring to. 

 

As the tour neared Canada, I knew I’d have to call her parents. Ell’s parents have been watching Rhi since she was old enough to fly, so I made sure my tour had a break when we were in Ottawa so I could see her. They send me pictures and updates all the time, but sometimes it’s just too much of a reminder of that night. She doesn’t necessarily look like Ellie (not with those eyes, at least) but I can’t look at her without feeling guilty. Ellie had meer moments with her before her heart monitor flat-lined, and the nurses came running. 

 

I got out my phone and scrolled through my contacts down to the w’s. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. I had tried to call them multiple times before, but usually found a reason to delegate it to my assistant (too busy, difference in time zones, etc.). They’ve never said anything, but I always felt they somehow...blamed me. How could they not?

 

I was the one who gave the okay for a c-section. I was the one who’d gotten her pregnant in the first place. I was the one that snatched her out of Ottawa and dragged her around the world with me. 

 

It must be my fault then, right?

 

I put my phone away and grabbed another drink.  _ ‘I’ll call them later’ _ I promised myself.

 

Well, ‘later’ turned out to be on the car ride to their house. 

 

“We’d love to see you Harry, we knew you’d be in the area soon and hoped to hear from you,” her mom said, and then said something to someone off the phone in a hurried voice. “Where did you say you were?”

 

“Umm…. We’re just turning onto your road.” I answered, closing my eyes in embarrassment. This was a bad idea.

 

“Oh! Okay, we’ll see you soon then.” She ended the call, and I asked the driver to circle the block a few times to give them time to clean up or whatever they were doing. 

 

When we finally arrived twenty minutes later, there were more people than I’d expected to see, and more babies…

 

They were both sitting on the floor playing, in cute matching dresses. My heart melted, then froze when I realized I didn’t know which one was my own.

 

“Harry, so lovely to see you!” Her mom noticed me in the doorway and gave me a hug. “Derek, take his things upstairs to the guest bedroom.” She instructed her husband, and turned back to me. “You’re staying the night, right?”

 

“If that’s okay. I hope to spend as much time as possible with little Rhiannon.” I answered, looking between the two near-identical infants. My heart started to race as I realized I’d spent so little time with my own child that I’d forgotten what she looked like. Would she even recognize me? How could I have been this selfish to leave her out of my life so much?

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Scott watching me. Sensing my predicament, he stood up and picked up one of the babies. “Marie, time for feeding….Wait, you’re not Marie.” He laughed, and the little girl giggled back at him. “We’re constantly getting the cousins mixed up. Rhiannon, look who’s here?” He cooed, and turned her to face me.

 

With those eyes, I could pick her out of a million.

 

Yet, she still looked lost. My heart sank a little, but I smiled anyway. “Hey Rhi-Rhi,” I said softly, and waved. Suddenly, she perked up, and held her arms out to me. I closed the short distance between us and carefully wrapped her up in my arms. She was so much bigger than the last time I’d held her! That must have been a few months ago, but I didn’t realize she’d grown this much. 

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I was vaguely aware of Scott picking up his own daughter, and leaving with his wife, Vivian, for the kitchen, to feed her. Soon, we were alone in the living room, just my little ball of sunshine and myself. 

 

“Hey little girl, are you sleepy?” I quietly asked, noticing her eyelids drooping. She blinked a few times, and I walked around the room rocking her, but she kept her eyes on my face and didn’t want to sleep. “You want papa to sing to you?” I blinked away a few tears, and sang the lullaby my mum had sang to me when I was little. 

 

She was soon sleeping soundly on my chest, emitting the cutest little breathing sounds I’ve ever heard. Not wanting to disturb her, I carefully sat down on the couch and just watched her, feeling her warmth against my chest and arms, and the slight movements she made in her sleep. It was the best thing in the world, and I couldn’t believe I’d somehow chosen to keep myself away from this privilege for the past three months.

 

I awoke, not sure how much later, to Ellie’s mum taking a crying Rhiannon off my chest. I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep, or heard her crying, but I noticed the second I’d lost that extra warmth. The spot she had been occupying felt cold as I watched her in her grandmother’s arms.

 

“There, there,” Rose murmured to Rhi. “Time for a feeding. Care to join us?”

 

I blinked the sleep out of my eyes, and nodded yes, my mouth suddenly feeling too dry to talk. I nervously followed them into the kitchen.

 

“Can you put a bottle in the sanitizer?” Rose motioned to the bottles in the fridge. I grabbed one and followed her direction with the sanitizer. Once I popped the lid shut, it turned on, and Rhiannon seemed to recognize that sound. “Why don’t you hold her, I’m sure she’d love it if you gave her a bottle. Though, she’d accept a bottle from about anyone.” Rose laughed, and carefully handed her over to me.

 

I still held her like she was that fragile infant the day I’d met her, that tragic day we now both share as a birthday. 

 

I pushed that thought away when Rose handed me the bottle. She showed me how to test the formula to make sure it wasn’t too hot. “Just hold it up to her mouth, she’ll do the rest.”

 

Sure enough, Rhi latched onto the bottle right away. I sadly realized she’d never known anything but the bottle, never gotten milk the ‘real’ way. She didn’t seem to care, though, she loved that bottle.

 

Rose snapped a picture of us on her phone and smiled. “I’ll have to send this to your mom.”

 

“Yeah, my mum is just dying to see her,” I responded, with probably not the best choice of words. “She keeps asking when it’ll be ‘her turn’ to watch her.” I joked, smiling down at Rhi. 

 

“Oh?” Rose looked concerned.

 

“Oh, no I didn’t mean she was planning on taking her away or anything. But when my tour is over, I think she’ll come back to England for a bit. Or maybe out to L.A., I’m sure my mum would live wherever was convenient.”

 

Rose was quiet, and seemed surprised by this. After a while, in her polite Canadian way, she finally said, “You mean you plan on taking custody of her again?”

 

I was shocked, and nearly let the bottle fall out of my hand. Rhi was done with it, so I set it on the counter. Of course I meant to raise my daughter, right? Hadn’t that been clear? I tried to recall the conversation we’d had after Ellie passed, but it was all a blur. Should I have contacted a lawyer? I hadn’t even thought of that at the time, it just seemed so right that Derek and Rose should take care of her; they’d just lost their daughter, and I was grieving and busy writing an album, so it worked out well.

 

“The tour’s not over for another few months, we’ll have time to work things out before then,” I answered, trying to sound casual. I didn’t want to scare them by asking them to sign a contract of sorts, or even consulting with a lawyer, but I still had full custody of her, right?

 

That thought plagued me my entire visit, and I tried to look it up online when I knew they wouldn’t accidentally catch me. Yet, the more I thought about it, I was the absent father who chose to go on tour instead of taking care of his newborn daughter. 

 

I was grieving, I kept reminding myself, as if that excuse rationalized my behavior. So were they. We all were, I just had a different method of dealing with it. 

 

Or, not dealing with it. 

 

Needing some time away from the Wilson’s, I went for a walk. I just needed to clear my head and have a moment away from their worried looks. The warm July afternoon warmed my ever-cold frame, giving me a bit of feeling other then the constant numbness I had grown to enjoy. 

 

I found myself outside of a bookstore.

 

Her bookstore.

 

Half of me wanted to pick up a rock and throw it through the front window, better yet burn the damn thing down.

 

That bookstore made me a widower.

 

All because we needed a book. Louis and I wanted a fucking  _ book _ . 

 

_ 'It's the 21st century, Harry, you could have gotten an ebook, or found something on your phone to entertain yourself!’ _ I thought with a huff.

 

I still had that copy of ‘Anne of Green Gables’ she’d talked me into purchasing. The one with the vampires. I smiled at that thought, and realized maybe I didn’t have to be mad at the bookstore. 

 

It wasn’t the bookstore that took her away from me, after all. No, that can be credited to her concussion, or more generally, me. I got her back into hockey, I bought the Riveters, I surprised her at that game and distracted her long enough to get hit in the head, sustaining another concussion. The concussion that caused her complications when she went into labor, causing her to need a c-section, which eventually took her life.

Again, my fault.

 

Kicking a stone with my boot, I walked further down the sidewalk and paused in front of the hotel One Direction had stayed in when we were in Ottawa. Keeping my head down, I went in and headed for the elevator. When it arrived on the top floor, I roamed the hall for the door to the roof. It was locked, as I’d expected, and approached a maid exiting a room after cleaning it.

 

“I know this is odd, and I’m not even a guest here, but do you think I could get up onto the roof?” I asked, flashing my best attempt at a smile.

 

“Oh, sorry but…” Her eyes got wide when she fully turned to look at me. “Harry Styles?!?!”

 

I nodded, somewhat relieved she recognized me because that might make this easier (or, much harder). “I just need to get up on the roof for a moment. It’s….it’s where my wife and I had our first date.”

 

Her bright smile vanished at the mention of Ellie, and I thought she might cry.

 

“Oh, that’s right...I’m so sorry to hear about that. It was awful, we all cried -me and some friends- and,” she paused to sniffle, “to think of poor Rhiannon...sorry, of course I’ll let you up.”

 

I didn’t say anything, just nodded and smiled politely as she unlocked the door. “It won’t lock behind you, so you can close it.” She hesitated. “It was nice meeting you. I’m seeing you play tomorrow night.”

 

“Then, I’ll see you then.” I nodded, and climbed the stairs, letting the door click shut behind me.

 

The roof looked almost as I’d remembered it nearly four years earlier.  _ ‘Four years? Was that it?’ _

 

I looked out  at the city below, ensconced in the memory of that night. 

 

Really, that’s all I can do now - remember her.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this answers some questions!
> 
>  Somehow 'Fools Gold' was the song of the chapter for me. Not sure why, but I listened to it on repeat while writing this. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, and voting! I’m happy people are enjoying this story. : D
> 
> PS. Chapter titles are song titles from his new album (the fictional one he wrote about Ellie, I know nothing of his real second album xD)


	3. Hey There Elloise

When the tour ended in early November, I thought I could start to get back to normal. But there is no ‘normal’ anymore, not without her. So I did the closest thing to ‘normal’ for me - I wrote an album.

 

“Harry!” My mum called from downstairs. “Harry, put that thing away and come down here. We’re taking the picture by the Christmas tree!”

 

Sighing, I put my guitar away. I’d gotten stuck trying to figure out a few chords for a verse anyway. Grabbing a drink, I headed into the living room to find everyone lining up around the Christmas tree for a group picture, and mum trying to get the timer on her camera to work. I slipped into the back, taking a sip of my drink - which didn’t go unnoticed by my ever-vigilant mother.

 

“Harry, can we get a family photo of you without a drink?” She sighed. “Why don’t you go grab your daughter, she’s taking a nap.”

 

“Well if she’s sleeping, shouldn’t we let her-”

 

“No, she needs to be in the picture!” Mum interrupted me, and Gemma and I exchanged amused glances. “We have to take it now, since the Wilsons are leaving,” she explained, and gave me that stern ‘mother’ look. Mrs. and Mrs. Wilson said they could wait a bit, but mum brushed them off saying they shouldn’t be late to the airport, and LAX was always extremely busy this time of year. It had been her idea to invite them, and I agreed since I knew they’d want to see Rhia. Yet, I think mum also wanted to show them I was a responsible parent, or at least that Rhia was getting the proper care she deserved. With mum and Gems here as well, it’s almost like she has two full time nannies, to the point where I wonder if I’m needed at all.

 

Mum’s been on edge a bit lately. ‘Lately’, as in , since she started helping me take care of Rhia at the end of my tour. ‘Helping me take care of’ as in, taking care of her almost 99% of the time while I disappear and work on my album. She says I’ve had enough time to grieve, and I should be responsible now. But I feel like I’ve barely grieved at all. I put everything on hold in order to avoid dealing with it, and I’m still not ready - I don’t think I ever will be.

 

Rhiannon was sleeping quietly when I got to the nursery, as I’d expected. I didn’t want to wake her because then she’d fuss and be grumpy. Yet if I didn’t, mum would fuss and be grumpy. I watched her sleep for a moment more, her chest gently rising and falling with each tiny breath, before reaching into the crib to pick her up.

 

“Sorry, little girl,” I apologized, hushing her unhappy cries. “I know, I’m sorry, but your Gran insists on taking the Christmas picture now.”

 

She looked back at me with tearful, reddening eyes, not understanding a word I was saying. Yet, I kept talking since that seemed to distract her from how upset she was over being awoken. “Look at this cute dress Gran’s put you in, though, isn’t that lovely? You’re all dressed up like a Christmas tree.” I recalled the matching Christmas jumpers Ellie and I had worn for our first Christmas together, and tears stung my eyes. This was my first Christmas without her.

 

Yet, this was also my first Christmas with _her_ , and I traced over the tree on her dress. She giggled at the touch, and I think my heart melted. “You like that?” I smiled and did it again. That sound was enough to draw anyone out of even the deepest depression, so I sat down on the floor so I could use both hands to tickle her.

 

“Harry!” I heard mum yell up the stairs, and I paused.

 

“Oops, looks like your Gran’s not too happy with me,” I said to Rhi, still grinning. I scooped her up and we finally joined the others in the living room. We were still giggling as we took our place in the group picture, and upon seeing us, mum seemed to melt a little. She finally got the timer figured out, and came over to join us.

 

After the picture, the Wilsons started saying their goodbyes. Everyone wanted to hold Rhia to give her a kiss goodbye. As Rose approached me after thanking mum, she had an odd smile.

 

“There’s my little teddy bear,” she said to Rhi and extended her arms to hold her. Rhia seemed so happy to see her, and practically climbed out of my arms and into hers. I felt a little jealous, but I suppose I deserve that. “Harry, I must say, I’m impressed.” She said once she was done cooing at Rhi. I gave her a questioning look, and she continued. “I was worried. I knew she would warm up to you, considering how happy she was each time we facetimed you with her while you were on tour. I was worried you wouldn’t warm up to her; I’m glad to see you’re adjusting well.”

 

I was surprised. I thought it was clear I had no idea what I was doing. “Thanks,” I managed to say with a sheepish smile.

 

“Good luck with the album. We’d be more than happy to watch her while you go on tour again,” she said, giving Rhia one last kiss before handing her off to her husband. “It’s so quiet at home without her, though we see Scott and Viv’s daughter, Marie, all the time.”  


“I’ll be sure to let you know if I plan another tour.” I nodded, giving them a brief hug goodbye.

 

Once they departed for the airport, Gem took Rhi back upstairs to change her out of her Christmas outfit into something more practical. Mum started cleaning up, and I wandered around the house for a bit, and ended up by the pool. The last time we were here, Ellie had been worried that frogs would jump in the pool while we were away, and wouldn't be able to get out. It seemed so silly at the time, but she got so upset.

 

Now, I am not sure if I should laugh or cry at the memory, or both.

 

Leaving the pool, I headed toward the studio, where I’d been writing before. Those last few notes I couldn’t work out had suddenly been clear and I was eager to write it down before I forgot. Yet, on the way past our old bedroom I froze. I thought I saw someone in there, and maybe it was my imagination, but I swear it was Ellie.

 

Turning around, my stomach did flips until I realized it was just Gemma. Anger flashed through my veins and I stormed in to confront her. “What are you doing in here?” I hissed, and she turned around to hush me, Rhia falling asleep in her arms.

 

“Shh, she likes it in here.”

 

My anger subsided as quickly as it had come, but was replaced yet again by guilt. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

 

“It...smells like Ellie, I guess, so I bring her in here sometimes.” Gemma explained, almost apologetically.

 

I nodded, understanding completely. Ellie’s clothes were still in the closet, a few of her hockey trophies on the dresser, and the one picture of her I still allowed in the house resided on the nightstand. Nodding, I turned away. “Okay, just shut the door when you leave.”

 

Forgetting the song I was trying to write, I located my drink, and determined to sell this house. As soon as Christmas was over, I asked my assistant to contact a realtor. This house had too many memories, and I couldn’t allow myself to move on while they haunted every corner. I needed to live somewhere that wasn’t basically a memorial to her.

 

I insisted we pack up right after Christmas and return to London as soon as possible. At mum’s persuasion, I put all the furniture from the LA house into storage instead of selling it with the house, or throwing it out. She says I might change my mind someday want to want to go through it all, though I can’t imagine a time when I’ll be in the right head space to attempt that.

 

When we returned to London, I jumped right into recording my third album, which I decided to name it something other than just ‘Harry Styles 3’ since that was getting a bit boring. The tone of the album was a little different than the last one, and my producer’s kept asking me if I had any less ‘depressing sounding’ songs. I guess this album is my ‘goodbye’ to her, a memoir to the short time we had together. Mitch was able to modify the tone of a few of my ‘depressing’ songs, and increase the tempo or something to make them sound a bit more upbeat. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first but he said, ‘think of it like you’re looking back on good memories, and enjoying them as they were instead of being sad that they’re gone.’

 

Somehow, in saying that, he flipped a switch in my psyche, and a tiny light bulb turned on in my mind. I’d been on ‘pause’ for almost a year now, and realized perhaps his advice about my overly depressing songs could actually apply to my life. Mitch is apparently not only my guitarist, but also my therapist now.

 

Something Rose has said at Christmas stuck with me. Since I’m writing an album, it made sense I’d tour it. But I wasn’t sure if I’d tour right away, so soon. However, the more I sat at home and relaxed, the more I felt things I wasn’t sure I was ready to feel. I needed to do more, a lot more, I needed to be busy.

 

So I called Jeff and made plans. We set a date to release the album, and started working out the details of the tour.

 

“Okay, Harry, we’ve got everything set, we’re going to finish recording soon, the tour dates and venues are being worked out...we’re just missing one important thing.” Jeff said one afternoon. I tilted my head questioningly and he continued. “A name. The album needs a name.”

 

“Right…” I thought for a minute. I hadn’t put that much thought into the name of the album, and then it had all somehow slipped my mind.

 

“Did you want to go with ‘Harry Styles 3’?” He asked, and I shook my head.

 

“No, that wouldn’t be right, not for this one. It’s about...her.” I paused and thought quietly for such a long time Jeff looked awkward. Mitch’s advice stuck with me, and suddenly it hit me. “I’ve got it.”

 

Jeff raised his eyebrow, prompting me to continue. “What is it?”

 

“Hey There Elloise.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I heard that song (hey there delilah) driving home the other day and nearly cried because it just had so much more meaning to ‘them’ now! (yes, I cry over my fictional characters!) xD
> 
> I’d forgotten just how perfect that song was for them. If you look into the meaning behind it, why they wrote it, it almost fits them perfectly (if I’m remembering it correctly).
> 
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> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter; thank you for reading, voting and commenting!! :D


	4. Ghost of You

To think, me, a widower. This is not where I thought I'd be at 26.

 

I didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday much, so I tried to focus on making the day special for Rhi. Yet, while mum was at home setting everything up for the party, I couldn’t focus and stepped out to get some air in the cold, cloudy English afternoon. I ended up taking a drive to clear my head, and ended up in the place I had been avoiding for the past year - the cemetery. I thought if I avoided it, didn’t look at it, then it wouldn’t be real. Yet, in a more private section of the cemetery, it was there, literally set in stone. 

 

Despite my reluctance to go out and see her stone, my feet trudged through the slush and mud until I was in the approximate vicinity of where I thought I remembered it being. Having not been here in nearly a year, and not really being in the best state of mind the last time I was, I seemed to have not remembered exactly where my own wife’s headstone was. Yet, I caught a glimpse of something like a hockey stick, and made my way over to investigate.

 

Sure enough, Ellie’s headstone had a hockey stick leaning up against it and a few hockey pucks, her Riveters jersey draped over the back of the stone, and dozens of notes, flowers, and cards. At first I felt guilty for not thinking of bringing flowers myself, and bent down to read a few of the notes. Fans, both hers and my own, had left these here for her, and it brought tears (of happiness, for once) to my eyes to see their kind messages. 

 

Laughing to myself, I stood up to take a picture of it all to send to her parents. She would have been so embarrassed to see this kind of support, especially since hockey (let alone women’s hockey) wasn’t even that popular over here. I remember that time at the Olympics that someone asked for a picture, and she assumed they’d wanted a picture with me, and was shocked to realize she actually had a fan. 

 

Feeling somewhat more cheered up than I expected, I grabbed a handful of cards to take home with me. On my way out I looked over the picture, and thought maybe I should post it to twitter and thank her fans, but I decided it best to wait until I got home. I didn’t want to run into anyone coming here just to see me, and the few people I did see on my way out kept their distance. I gave them a polite nod, thanking them for understanding that my wife’s grave is not the appropriate place to ask for a picture.

 

By the time I got to my car, mum had sent me multiple angry texts. Looking at the time, I closed my eyes and sighed, realizing I had missed my daughter’s first birthday. I hung my head and drove home, hoping I wasn’t as late as mum had accused me of being.

 

Well, most of the guests were gone when I got there, so perhaps I had spent more time at the cemetery than I’d thought. Mum was waiting at the door, ready to yell at me. She probably assumed I had been out drinking, but paused mid-scold when she saw my muddy boots. She looked me over curiously, finally putting the clues together. Speechless, mum indicated the stack of cards in my hand and cocked her head.

 

“For Ellie, from fans. I found them on her headstone.” I explained and handed them to her, bending to remove my shoes. 

 

“That is so lovely and thoughtful.” She sniffled, and tried to blink away a few tears. “I’m sure her parents would love to see these; I’ll have to mail them a few.”

 

“Perhaps she has a similar memorial on her headstone in Ottawa.” I suggested. At her parents suggestion, we had donated her brain to science to further study the effects of concussions in hockey players. After that, it made more sense to have her cremated, so we decided to split the ashes between here in England, and her family’s cemetery plot in Ottawa. So, she has a headstone here in my hometown, and another in Ottawa, where she is buried next to her grandmother Marie. It made sense, really, so her parents and I didn’t have to fight over where to bury her. 

 

“Come on, we’re opening presents now.” Mum nudged my arm, and led me to the living room. Rhia was in a cute, fluffy dress and looked like a princess surrounded by all her toys and stuffed animals. “Looks like she’s already opened them all.” Mum laughed at the sight of wrapping strewn all over her living room. 

 

Gems brought out one more gift, saying it was from ‘all of us’ (I’m assuming her and mum?) so I let Rhi open it.

 

“Want to help papa open his birthday present?” I asked her, sitting down in front of her. She eagerly scooted over and started tearing the paper off the box without hesitation. She needed some help getting the box open, but once I got the lid off she tore the tissue paper out with complete disregard for what it contained. A picture frame nearly came flying out with the tissue paper and I caught it just in time. Unfolding the last bit of paper, I turned the silver frame over to see the picture.

 

I blinked a few times and swallowed the lump forming in the throat. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry in front of Rhia, but why not? There’s nothing wrong with a man showing his emotions over the only family picture he’ll ever have.

 

I studied the image again, this time not hiding the tears. This is the only picture I’ve seen of the three of us together, taken just moments after Rhia’s birth, and moments before…

 

Rhi grabbed the frame out of my hands, eager to see the shiny object. She looked it over, not comprehending what the image was, or why it made me sad, but seemed very interested in the shiny frame. So interested, that she decided to put it in her mouth.

 

“No, honey, not in your mouth.”  Mum grabbed it out of her hands. “Are you teething Rhi Rhi? Try this instead.” Mum gave her something more suitable for teething, and I stared in confusion.

 

“She’s already growing teeth?” I looked up at mum to see if that was normal.

 

“Harry, she’s had a couple teeth for a while now.” Gemma laughed and sat down next to Rhia. Taking the picture from mum, she held it for Rhia to see. “Do you know who this is?” She asked her. Rhia didn’t seem to understand, and stared blankly at the picture frame, probably wanting to put it in her mouth again.

 

“Gemma….” I shook my head.

 

“That’s you!” Gemma continued, ignoring me, and pointed to Rhia. “That’s baby Rhiannon!”

 

Rhia giggled, so Gemma continued. “And that’s daddy.”

 

“Papa, not daddy,” I corrected. That had been Ellie’s idea, since she’d seen too many fans refer to me as ‘daddy’ and couldn’t stand her daughter calling me that. We were going to be ‘mama’ and ‘papa’, and Rhia our little baby bear. 

 

Rhia luckily lost interest in the picture before Gems could get to the last person in it, and picked up one of her birthday presents, nearly throwing it at Gemma. “Do you want papa to read this to you?” She asked, and Rhia settled into her lap as an answer. “Ah, you want Auntie Gemma to read to you?”

 

Rhia giggled, so Gemma began reading ‘Your Baby’s First Word Will Be Dada’ by Jimmy Fallon (sent to us by him, too, judging from the inscription in the book). “I guess I’m no longer needed,” I joked, and started to stand up.

 

“Wait, Harry, before you run off to the pub, let’s do cake first.” Mum sat me down again and I waited for her to get cake, listening to Gemma read to Rhia, and Rhi’s excited response. I glanced down at the picture she had discarded...it stirred up too many memories I had tried to ignore, and didn’t know how to deal with. Fed up with it, I got up suddenly and stormed into the kitchen after mum.

 

She was putting candles on the cake, and even had a ‘one’ shaped candle for Rhia, which I thought was cute, but didn’t change my mood. “What was that?” I demanded. “Are you trying to torture me or something?”

 

She turned around and looked surprised, and a little pissed off. “What are you talking about?”

 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” I snapped back, not hiding my anger. “What did you think would happen, giving me that picture - today of all days.” I was cut off by a sudden tightness in my throat.

 

“It’s been a year, Harry, isn’t that long enough?” She said with a mix of sympathy and pity.

 

“Long enough for what?” I nearly shouted.

 

“Hush, Harry, your daughter is in the next room over.” She scolded me, and went back to arranging the candles. “Long enough for you to have accepted what happened.”

 

“I don’t think I’ll ever be over it, mum,” I answered a bit more calmly.

 

“No,” she said, and turned to face me again, this time sounding more motherly. “But you’ll learn how to deal with it, how to live without her.”

 

“I don’t think I’m ready.”

 

“You just have to face it. It’s hard, I know, but we’re here for you.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and I suddenly felt like I was ten years old again.

 

“I can’t,” I nearly whispered, leaning on the counter to support myself.

 

“You have to, she needs you.”

 

I was quiet for a while after that, watching mum get the cake ready. I swallowed hard and tried to clear my head. Taking a deep breath, I finally continued. “The tour starts soon. I want Rhiannon to stay with the Wilson’s while I’m on tour. They miss her, so I only think it’s fair.” I turned to leave, not wanting to hear her response.

 

“Harry, you don’t have to - we can watch her, or she can come on tour with you!” Mum shouted after me.

 

_ ‘Sorry, mum,’ _ I thought as I walked away.  _ ‘Sorry I haven’t gotten over tragically losing the love of my life. Sorry I haven’t dealt with my feelings, and instead packed them into little boxes and set fire to them. I’m living with my head in the sand, and it’s because I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to face reality, not yet’ _ .

 

I stormed up to my room and wished I’d had my own place to stay. I had to sell my house in London for the same reason I sold the house in LA and the apartment in New York. I needed to be somewhere that I didn’t associate with her, where I couldn’t see her ghost lingering around the next corner.

 

I wonder what she’d think of me? What would Ellie think of what had become of her husband?

 

I curled up in bed, but discovered mum had put the fan letters from Ellie’s grave on my pillow. I sat up and read through them more closely, and smiled a tiny bit despite everything. I remembered the picture I’d taken of her headstone covered in flowers and gifts from fans, and pulled out my phone to send it to Scott and Ellie’s parents. After some hesitation, I also uploaded the picture to Instagram and Twitter with the caption: ‘Thank you to all our fans who left cards, gifts, and flowers on Ellie’s grave. It means so much to me to see you care, and helped me through this difficult day.’

 

Looking it over, and seeing recent comments on former posts, I added: ‘PS. thank you for all the birthday wishes.’

 

Fans had wished both Rhia and I happy birthday, and it honestly made me feel a little better. Smiling to myself, I hit ‘post’ and curled up in bed to finally get some sleep.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit sad again, sorry, but at least Harry is starting to accept things.
> 
>  
> 
> I had the hardest time picking a chapter title, so I went with 5SOS’s ‘Ghost of You’ since it’s the song that triggered this story.
> 
>  
> 
> The next chapter is already in the works so stay tuned! Thank you for reading and commenting !! :D


	5. If I Could Dream Long Enough

**A/N** : Possible trigger warning for panic attacks/anxiety disorder 

  
  
  


_ ‘If I could dream long enough _

_ You’d tell me I’ll be alright’ _

 

[Ghost of you by 5SOS]

 

Near the end of my tour, everything sort of became….too much. I had two shows in New York, and while I was there, the Riveters asked me to drop the ceremonial first puck at the last game of the season. I had sort of been ignoring the Riveters, and anything hockey related, because it hurt too much, reminded me of Ellie. However, I went to the game anyway. They gave me her jersey to wear that night and for a second, I thought it all might come crashing down on me. 

 

Slowly, the egg-shell thin barrier I had tried to construct around myself was starting to fracture here and there. Little things, like the jersey, or being back in New York again, were leaving bigger and bigger cracks in the already crumbling facade. Just a couple more weeks and the tour would be over….then what? Back to ignoring everything?

 

Far too many times during my stay in New York I found myself biting the inside of my cheek and gritting my teeth to will myself to act normally. I got through the first show at Madison Square Garden okay, mainly just flowing on instinct and going through the motions. 

 

Jeff scheduled me to appear on the Tonight Show in the day between my two concerts, as a bit of last minute promo.

 

“Our next guest has a new album out, and is just finishing up a world tour. Please welcome the wonderful Harry Styles!” Jimmy enthusiastically introduced me, and I nodded to the audience as I made my way out to the chair beside his desk. 

 

“Thank you for having me,” I said to him once it had quieted down.

 

“Thank you for inviting me to your concert last night. That was amazing!” Jimmy gushed, and sounded a bit like a thirteen year old. “My ears are still ringing,” he added and laughed.

 

“I happens,” I joked.

 

“And your album ‘Hey There Elloise’ just blew my mind.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“It is absolutely phenomenal, and seeing it live was just a whole other experience.” He continued, and I politely nodded. “You have another number one album, another sold out tour, you’re playing at MSG again tomorrow...you’re really living the life!”

 

“I guess so.” I tried to reply in a light, joking tone.

 

“And you have a little girl, too, that must be amazing. How old is she again?” Jimmy asked.

 

“She’s…” Fuck. I can’t do maths on the spot like this. It’s September, so she’s like one and a half. But how many months is that? “She’s about one and a half.”

 

“That is such a fun age! I remember when my girls were that young, learning to walk, saying their first words, learning all sorts of stuff. Hey, uh, what was her first word by the way?” He asked, and I could tell he was leading up to something. He’d mentioned this before, something about a picture he was going to show, we just had to set it up first. 

 

However, I hadn’t been in a clear mindset earlier, and now that I was fully paying attention and actually putting some thought to the question I realized...I’d missed my daughter’s first word. I missed her taking her first steps, and fuck, she’s already feeding herself - when did that happen?

 

My ears started to ring as the panic set like fire in the pit of my stomach, erupting into my chest like a thousand shards of glass. It suddenly felt as though all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the air as I gasped in short, shallow breaths, unaware of the show continuing around me.

 

“I, uh, have a picture here of your daughter on her birthday, which is your birthday too, right?” Jimmy didn’t wait for a response (and at this point he wasn’t going to get one as the blackness started to seep in around the corners of my eyesight and my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest). “Well, I guess she got the birthday present I sent her, because here she is reading it with, I believe it’s, your sister.”

 

They showed a picture from mum’s instagram of Gems reading Jimmy’s book ‘My Baby’s First Word Will Be Dada’ to Rhi on her birthday, the angle of the picture skillfully leaving out their faces. “I can tell by the look on her face she’s enjoying it,” he joked, and I attempted to nod. He realized I wasn’t going to say anything else and cut to commercial, I think. I’m not sure, since the ringing had become deafening.

 

I hardly remember it, though, since everything went black a moment later. I’ve never fainted or passed out before, so I’m not sure if what happened next was a dream, or a vision, or some ethereal out of body experience. 

 

We were on an empty tropical beach. Ellie was in her wedding dress, and I was still in the suit I’d worn on our wedding day, but it was all ragged and torn. Like I’d been shipwrecked here for a year or so. Yet, Ellie’s dress still looked pristine, and though her veil covered her face, she looked just as perfect as I’d remembered her that day.

 

I wanted to touch her, feel her in my arms again, but I couldn’t move; couldn’t say anything, or even feel by own body.

 

Her mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I focused, and tried to block out the sound of the crashing waves and the rushing wind. I wanted nothing more than to just hear her voice again. 

 

Her words finally broke through the noise, and she sounded exactly as I’d remembered. I didn’t hear it so much as I felt it, like she projected her words directly into my mind. 

 

“Go to her.”

 

What? Go to her? Who?

 

“Go to her.” She kept repeating, and I tried to ask who, but again, I couldn’t move or find my voice.

 

The sound of the wind and waves slowly turned into a dull roar and the beach blurred away into nothing as I seemed to float in complete nothingness, caught in a state between existence and unconsciousness. 

 

“Rhiannon…” She whispered, just as the light began to return.

 

My eyes shot open and I blinked in confusion. I tried to look around the room (I think it was my dressing room?) but my head still swam with thoughts of the ocean and my wife’s whispered voice.

 

“Harry, you with us now?” A lady who I did not recognize asked.

 

I looked up at her and nodded, though I wasn’t entirely sure.

 

“Are you feeling okay?” She asked and leaned over, holding my wrist to grab my pulse.

 

“What’s happening?” I asked, and took the glass of water she handed me.

 

Jeff appeared and placed his hand on my shoulder. “We think you had a panic attack.”

 

“I think it’s the drinking, but probably also stress,” the woman said, and Jeff irritably flicked his eyes over to her.

 

“We’ve got this, but thank you.” He politely dismissed her.

 

“Hey, you’re the one who panicked and asked if there was a doctor in the audience. I told you he was fine.” She shrugged and shot Jeff a nasty look before leaving.

 

I was so confused and wanted nothing more than to fall back to sleep and see Ellie again. Suddenly remembering what she said, I jumped out of my seat, but Jeff stopped me.

 

“You should probably sit down for a bit while you recover.” He tried to push me back into the seat, and I let him, since I suddenly felt woozy.

 

“I have to go.” I said once my head stopped spinning. I stood up, a bit slower this time, and brushed past Jeff. “I have to see my daughter,” I answered Jeff’s unasked question.

 

“What?! You have a concert tomorrow night, you can’t just leave like this.” He countered, following me as I tried to make my way out of the building. I’d come in the back way and hoped to leave that way now, but I seemed to have took a wrong turn because I ended up in a tour group. 

 

“Cancel it. I have to see her.” I shot back, checking my phone for flights to Toronto. I didn’t care if I had to fly commercial, I was getting on the next flight out of New York.

 

“But why? Your tour is almost over, can’t you just wait to see her in a few weeks.”

 

“Because Ellie told me to.” 

 

“Oh no, Harry...this is…” Jeff shook his head, and realized there were people around us, so he ushered me into the next open elevator and shooed the occupants out. “You’ve completely lost it.”

 

“No, she came to me in a ...a dream or something.”

 

“Or something as in, a drunken stupor?”

 

“No, just now. When I was passed out or whatever. We were on a beach and she kept saying ‘go to her’. I have to do it.” I tried to explain, but Jeff just shook his head in disbelief.

 

“Are you on drugs? You can tell me, it’s okay.”

 

“I’m not on drugs, I’m fine,” I retorted, then amended, “Well, no I’m not fine. I just had a panic attack on national television.”

 

“It’s not live, they won’t air the interview, don’t worry.” Jeff interjected, but I continued ranting as the elevator door opened to a lobby full of tourists waiting to look around 30 Rock.

 

“All because I didn’t know my daughter’s first word. What else have I missed? What else am I going to miss? I have been absent for her entire life because I can’t face the fact that her mother is dead.” I couldn’t stop the tears of frustration and despair from streaming down my face. Jeff and I exchanged a long look, but he soon turned his attention to the horde of people filming our interaction.

 

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, things are not looking good for Harry. Or, maybe they are? Maybe he’ll finally turn things around?
> 
>  
> 
> Harry’s panic attack was brought to you by the return of my own anxiety disorder (or rather, the intensifying of it, since it never really goes away). For some reason, this week I’ve been struggling with it more than usual, so I thought I’d write it out (and it did seem to work!).
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well and have a lovely weekend!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!! :D


	6. Rhiannon Rings Like a Bell

I don’t know why, but I thought a sheep farm would be a good place for Rhia and I. It might be due to the fact that it was easily available on short notice, and had a decent amount of privacy. The house was on what looked like a once prosperous estate, though now it had been reduced to the main house (where Rhia and I lived) and the guest house closer to the farm, where the owners lived. They managed the sheep, who grazed in the pastures surrounding our house, and mainly left us alone.

 

Rhi loved the sheep. At first she was scared of the noises they made (and honestly, so was I), but soon grew to love their bahh’s and giggled at the funny way they all moved in a heard. She especially thoved their energetic collie, Merrick, who ran circles around the sheep. 

 

Cheddar, however, did not have the same appreciation for the dog, and hissed anytime it came within seeing distance of her perch on the windowsill. Rhi thought it was hilarious how fluffy Cheddar’s tail got whenever the collie came by. Luckily, Cheds and Rhia seemed to get along for the most part. They hadn’t spent much time together since Gemma took in Cheddar after Rhi was born. The Wilson’s had a dog, but cats were a new and exciting territory for her. She loved how soft her fur was, and always screamed ‘kitty!’ when she saw her, sending Cheds into hiding under the nearest bed or sofa. She preferred to visit Rhia on her own terms; rubbing against her leg while she ate, curling up on the sofa while we read together, but mainly watching her from the distance. I don’t know why she’s so fascinated with watching Rhi, but maybe, like me, she misses Ellie, and sees a lot of her in Rhia.

 

While Jeff was understandably furious at me for canceling the remaining six shows in my tour, he still helped me arrange the rental of the house. I didn’t want my name attached to it at all; I wanted complete anonymity so I could just be left alone - just Rhi, Cheddar, and I. It was perfect.

 

Okay, the first week or two (or couple of months) were hell as I tried to figure everything out. I refused mum and Gemma’s offers for help, and just wanted to be on my own. I could be self sufficient, right? Luckily, Rose had sent Rhia along with a long list of her likes and dislikes, and a few tricks she used to get her to cooperate. I cherish that list like a bible, reading it devotely those first few weeks, and frantically typed it up to preserve the information after Rhia smeared avocado on it. 

 

I don’t know why I picked Cornwall, probably for the availability of the house, but also the remoteness, seclusion, at the very tip of England. I didn’t want to be a phone call away from mum, or even Gems in London. While I of course wanted all the help I could get, I needed to be able to do this on my own. It’s just the way it has to be. The lack of phone service helped, too. The lack of distractions and minimal access to outside sources. In the beginning, I was too tired, too occupied with Rhia, to pay attention to anything else. An article sent to me by a startled Gems, leaked footage of my ‘breakdown’ in an email from my concerned mother, a whole barrage of angry texts from Jeff begging me to make some kind of an appearance, a twitter or instagram post - something to prove I was alive and well.

 

Yet, I kept my silence. I reassured mum and Gemma we were fine (at least as far as I could tell) and told Jeff to deal with the press.

 

“What do you want me to say?” He responded exasperatedly.

 

“Just...fix it, I don’t care.” I responded, balancing a bottle in one hand and Rhia’s favorite toy in the other, attempting to distract her from Cheddar and tempt her to her bottle. It was impossible to get her to even sit down for a few minutes, let alone pay attention.

 

“Should I say you’re taking time off?” Jeff hesitantly asked, “or say you’re working on your next album?”

 

“No.” I said firmly and startled Rhia. She stopped giggling and soon big tears formed in her eyes as she looked up at me. “I’m not working, I’m being a parent - something I should have tried a year and a half ago.” I schooped Rhi into my arms and rocked her a bit to stop the crying. “Sorry, Jeff, I have to go. I trust you’ll handle this appropriately.” I hung up quickly, just in time for Rhia to start wailing.

 

Cheddar ran to hide, and I wished I could follow her under whatever piece of furniture she’d taken refuge. Instead, I bounced Rhia and paced the kitchen.

 

“Oh, Rhia doll, you’ve got quite the piercing voice - like a bell,” I added with a smirk. “Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night…” I sang her namesake song, and she seemed to like it. “All your life you’ve never seen-” My voice cracked when I tried to hit the high note, sending her into peels of laughter.

 

“Oh, you think that’s funny?” I smiled and cleaned up her tears with my thumb. “Stevie Nicks can’t even hit that high note any more,” I explained, as if it would make sense to her, or somehow make me feel better. Regardless, I continued singing, choosing the version that avoided the high note. Whether Rhia got bored or actually enjoyed my singing, I’m not sure, but she calmed down and finally wanted a drink from her sippy cup. 

 

I should have paid closer attention to what I was telling Jeff. I shouldn’t have told him to just ‘deal with it’ and actually taken the time to clarify that I meant I just wanted some privacy and to be left alone. I thought it was obvious, but apparently, it wasn't.

 

I hardly watched the news, or paid attention to what people said online -I don’t have time nor interest- but I knew it must be serious if Gemma was asking me to check out the news. Rhi was (finally) sleeping, so I flipped on the telly and adjusted the antenna until the channel came in clearly. 

 

My face was plastered on the screen (and not a nice picture, at that) adjacent to a quote from Jeff, which basically said exactly what I’d told him on the phone earlier this afternoon. 

 

Exactly what I’d said.

 

The entertainment newscaster explained that Jeff had said in a statement earlier that I was ‘taking some time off to be a parent,’ something I should have done a year and a half ago after the death of my wife.

 

My knuckles turned white as I gripped the remote, the TV droning on in the background like white noise. I had never spoken of Ellie’s death, or released anything publically. It had gotten out the way that information like that often does, but I never really paid much attention to the public reaction; I didn’t really pay much attention to anything back then.

 

But seeing her mentioned on TV now, by a complete stranger, brought everything back and reopened all the old wounds. It’s like when a bone breaks and doesn’t heal properly, so the doctor has to reset it. All the feelings I had ignored, pushed aside, and stuffed into compartments in my mind, came rushing back like wildfire through dry brush. It consumed me, overwhelming my senses, and I sat frozen on the couch watching the TV flicker on to the next subject. 

 

I wasn’t even mad at Jeff for saying that, more at myself for letting it get this out of hand. I’d been MIA for the past couple of months and didn’t think of anything other than Rhia. I didn’t think I owed anyone an explanation, and I just wanted to be left alone.

 

But of course people wondered why I’d canceled the end of my tour, and fans were worried about me. Of course they deserved some kind of an explanation.

 

Once I’d calmed down a bit, I realized I needed to do something about this. I needed to take control of the situation and not let rumors get out of hand. After feeding Rhia once she woke up, I changed her into a cute outfit and got an idea. I sat down on the couch with her next to a sleeping Cheddar, who mainly just looked up from her nap before returning to her slumber, and set Rhia on my lap. I took a quick selfie of us, careful to keep Rhia’s face away from the camera, and edited it a bit before uploading it to Instagram. I thought for a minute before finally settling on the caption “We’re doing alright.”

 

Without thinking about it too much, I posted the picture and turned off my phone. With that taken care of, I found a book shoved between the couch cushions, and pulled it out to read to Rhia.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait between chapters! I read a book (a series actually) and got sucked into it. Then, after reading three 700 page books, I had to recover for a week or two before I could remember how to write again 😆
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!!! 😀


	7. Surviving

I had a much happier Christmas this year than last, though I still felt like a part of me was missing. Rhia and I flew to Toronto to spend the holiday with the Wilsons, since they hadn’t seen Rhi since I abruptly picked her up at the end of my tour. I was worried they’d be mad at me, but they were just happy to see her again, and me too, I suppose. They had converted Ellie’s old bedroom into a nursery for Rhia, and let me take the guest bedroom, where Rhi had previously stayed when she visited them. I suppose they were finally ready to open her bedroom up again and put her things into storage. Yet, I was not, and probably couldn't have stood sleeping in that room; it’ll take time, if ever, to feel comfortable again around her personal belongings or to spend time in a place she used to live.

 

After Christmas dinner, I stood in front of the fireplace with my eyes transfixed on one of the many family photos on the mantel. I was staring so intently I didn’t notice Scott as he approached me and leaned against the other end of the mantel.

 

“Mom and dad had these pictures turned around for the longest time. I don’t blame them, it’d be hard to see her every day. I guess they’re finally coming to terms with everything.” He said, and I nodded, finally taking my eyes off her picture. “I’m guessing you don’t keep too many pictures of her around?”

 

I shook my head and returned my stare to one of the photos.

 

“Well, who has actual photographs these days, anyway, they’re all digital.” He smiled, and I returned a brief hint of a smile. “How are you doing these days?”

 

“Hanging in there.” I bit my lip and forced a smile.

 

“You enjoying farm life?”

 

I laughed and looked down at my feet for a moment, almost embarrassed. “It’s nice. Very quiet, peaceful, just Rhi and I. It’s exactly what I needed.”

 

“That’s understandable.” He nodded and paused for a moment. “So, are you seeing anyone?”

 

I froze and didn’t know what to say. “Like a therapist?” What else could he mean? Scott was, as far as I knew, heterosexual and happily married, so he probably wasn’t personally interested himself.

 

He kind of smiled. “I guess, though I meant, like, romantically.”

 

I was shocked, and couldn’t comprehend what he meant. Me? Dating? But I’m married to his sister…. “I barely see another human being out on that farm, let alone…” I shook my head in confusion and wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or not.

 

“It’s probably too soon, sorry.” He shook his head but gave a friendly smile. “I thought I’d ask because I know someone I think you’d like. But, whenever you’re ready - I understand.” 

 

I stared at the floor, still trying to wrap my head around the concept, and finally looked up at him. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. How could I? How could I forget the love of my life and move on?” I tried to keep my tone neutral so he knew I wasn’t mad at his question, just surprised.

 

“You don’t have to forget her - it’s not like getting over an ex or something. But, it is okay to find someone new, someone to fill that void; you don’t have to be alone forever.” He gave a comforting smile, and I could tell this was as awkward for him as it was for me, but it was maybe his way of giving his blessing, so to speak, saying it was okay with him and his family if I found someone new.

 

I hadn’t thought about it that way - in fact, I hadn’t thought about it at all. I had never considered being with anyone other than Ellie ever again, and her death hadn’t changed that. It’s not like I was suddenly freed up to date whomever I wanted. I’m still in love with her, and can’t imagine ever not being in love with her.

 

Dating was hard enough before I met Ellie, but now? Especially with Rhi to consider, it would be near impossible. 

 

Yet, this thought stayed on my mind as I traveled back to England to spend the holidays with my family. It was not a thought of possibility, but more in the way that things that can terrify also seem to fascinate. Since my brother-in-law had put the idea in my head, I thought it appropriate to discuss the subject with my own sibling.

 

We settled, yet again, by the fire, and watched Rhi play with her new toys near the tree.

 

“Gems,” I started, and cleared my throat. My voice came out all weird and the words sounded foreign as I tried to speak. “Umm, what do you think...Should I…?” I paused, not knowing what the hell I was trying to say. “Do you think I should consider dating again?” I blurted out.

 

Her eyes shot open and an odd smile perched on her mouth. “I was not expecting you to say that.”

 

“It’s too soon to even think about it, right?” I cringed and felt weird saying this.

 

She shrugged. “Well, are you thinking about dating again?”

 

“No, I can’t even imagine it?” I shook my head.

 

“Then why do you want to talk about it?” She laughed, and I felt a bit of the guilt ease.

 

“I didn’t know if that was something I should be thinking about or not.”

 

Gemma looked me over thoughtfully, and I anxiously looked away. “There’s no right or wrong in this situation. It’s different for everyone, and you’ll know when you’re ready.”

 

“But,” I quietly started, “what if I’m never ready?”

 

“That’s perfectly okay.” She answered with a friendly smile. 

 

I nodded, and searched for a change of subject. “So, how are you and...your boyfriend?” Despite having been together for over a year, I couldn’t remember his name.” 

 

“Kevin,” she enunciated, “is fine. We’re pretty serious, I think.” 

 

“Really? But you didn’t want to invite him for Christmas?” I asked, pretending to be hurt by this decision.

 

“He’s busy, he has his own family.”

 

“His own family, as in, wife and kids?” I cocked my eyebrow in confusion.

 

“Not a wife, but yeah, a kid.” She nodded, and I couldn’t read her expression.

 

I was shocked. I was mainly joking when I asked that, expecting her to say she meant he was spending Christmas with his parents/grandparents. This was very different for Gemma, and I never pictured her as a step-mother type, or any kind of mother, really. She liked her cats and her niece, but never expressed an interest in kids herself.

 

“Wow,” was all I managed to say while I thought it over.

 

She kind of laughed, maybe looking a bit embarrassed? “Mum and dad have met him and they like him, you’re the only one left.”

 

“Why, are you worried I won’t like him, or that I’ll scare him off?” I teased, though I was curious. 

 

“No, you’ve been busy, had enough going on.” She shrugged. “I didn’t want to throw this at you too.

 

I thought for a moment, taking this in. “Well, I’m much less busy now if you want to plan something. How old is his kid?”

 

“He’s eight,” she answered, and we both glanced at Rhia.

 

“So, he’s a little too old to play with Rhi.”

 

Gemma nodded, but she still seemed hesitant. “The thing is, you and he have a, uh, bit in common.” 

 

I swallowed nervously, not knowing what she could be talking about. “He used to be in a boyband? Is it Kevin Jonas?” I joked, and she cracked a smile.

 

“No, nothing like that.” She laughed, but stopped smiling. “It’s just that you’re both...widowers.”   
  


That was definitely not what I was expecting, and it hit me harder than I was prepared for. 

 

“Perhaps, talking to someone who’s gone through the same experience as you might help?” She suggested

 

I quietly nodded. I’d thought about talking to a therapist or something, but I didn’t know where to start, or if I was ready to open up to a stranger. “That would be nice,” I finally said with a slight smile. 

 

Scary, but nice, to talk to someone who’s made it through, survived.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but I couldn’t think of a way to bring this topic up. I knew Harry wouldn’t think of it on his own, so I thought maybe Scott would casually bring it up? It was awkward, but it had to be done XD
> 
> Thank you for reading, voting, and commenting!! :D
> 
> PS: I'm finally seeing Endgame tonight, I'm so nervous!


	8. Red Crayon Dinosaur

It was that time of year again: the anniversary of the saddest yet also happiest day of my life.

 

Oh, and it’s my birthday, too.

 

I traveled into London for the occasion since Gemma had kindly offered to host our birthdays (she keeps emphasizing it’s my birthday too, but we all know who today is  _ really _ about). She also assumed no one would want to travel all the way out to Cornwall, but probably wanted to get my off that farm for a minute. I admit I was feeling a little stir crazy and enjoyed the change in scenery for the day.

 

Yet, I had grown accustomed to our life out of the public eye on the tip of England. At mum’s suggestion, Rhia and I got a library card. I was very nervous about being recognized, but people were very respectful (or my disguise of glasses and a hat worked?). I was not once asked for a picture or an autograph, or when my next album was coming out (answer: I don’t know). I was just another resident of Cornwall getting some books at the library with my child. 

 

We stop by for toddler storytime every Tuesday morning, and then head over to the farmer’s market after (if Rhia’s patience allows). I’ve unfortunately already had to replace two library books because Rhi thought they’d look better covered in crayon. 

 

I made sure she got plenty of coloring books for her birthday.

 

And so did mum and Gems, it seems, and now we have more coloring books than we could ever use. She was particularly eager to start coloring a Frozen themed coloring book Gems and Kevin had gotten her and started doing so before the cake was even cleared away. I’ve never seen a kid more interested in coloring than cake, but I suppose that’s a good thing?

 

After everything was all cleaned up, I stood in the doorway from the kitchen just watching her. She struggled to hold the crayons, but that didn’t stop her from trying to ‘color in’ Elsa’s dress (we’ll have to work on staying inside the lines…). Kevin joined me after a moment and smiled at her, sitting on the floor with mum surrounded by all her new coloring books.

 

“She’s so adorable,” he commented. “I remember when my son was that age...things were so different then.”

 

My mind raced; was this an invitation to ask him all the questions that’ve been swarming my head since Gemma and I spoke at Christmas? I wish Gemma had filled me in a bit more about his background. Like, how long ago did his wife die? How did she pass? Was it sudden, like Ellie, or had he had time to say goodbye? How did he transition into being a single dad?

 

I kept my mouth shut and tried to think of a more appropriate ice breaker, such as sports or the weather - neither of which I paid much attention to. 

 

“It can be so hard at that age. I don’t know how you’re doing it alone,” he remarked, answering some of my unasked questions. “I had Beth with me for the first few years to get through the hard parts, but you’re handling it okay on your own.”

 

“I had some help at first, but the last few months have just been the two of us. So, this is the hard part? It gets easier?” I jokingly asked.

 

He laughed, and added, “Well, at least once they start talking and are able to tell you what’s wrong. Once he started pre-school, I felt a bit of that responsibility lifted off my shoulders.”

 

Pre-school? I hadn’t even thought about getting her onto a waiting list, or searching for the best schools.

 

“Another thing I’ll have to add to the list…” I laughed to myself and shook my head. I took a deep breath and went for it. “If you don’t mind me asking, how old was he when, umm….” when his mother died. I couldn’t finish the sentence, but luckily he knew what I was trying to ask.

 

“Three and a half, closer to four.” He replied, and didn’t seem upset that I’d asked, more at the memory. “One of the hardest things I’ve had to tell him was that his mother wasn’t coming home.”

 

It was quiet for a moment as I formulated my thoughts. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell her. She’s going to wonder why other kids have mums, and she doesn’t.”

 

He placed a hand comfortingly on my shoulder. “You’ll find a way. You have a supportive family, and when the time comes, you’ll know what to say.”   
  


“What if I say the wrong thing?” I suddenly turned to him and searched his face, trying to find a clue of how he had managed this, a hint that I might also make it through.

 

“That happens sometimes, it’s okay. You learn from your mistakes.” He gave a comforting smile and glanced to his left as Gemma found her way over to us.

 

“Can I steal Kev for a minute? Sorry to interupt your heart-to heart, boys,” she added almost teasingly, probably to lighten the mood. She gave me a reassuring look as they left for the kitchen, and I wondered if that was her way of saving him from my questions, or perhaps even saving myself from them, too.

 

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind, I settled on the floor next to Rhia to try to help her color. She of course refused my help, by screaming, “no, Rhians book!” (since she can’t quite say ‘Rhiannon’ yet). Smiling, I resigned to just set next to her and watch.

 

I hadn’t touched an instrument in ages, besides occasionally plunking on the keys of the out of tune piano in the living room with Rhia, but that night I had a sudden urge to hold a guitar in my hands. After I put Rhi to bed, I pulled it out of the closet where it had sat idly for nearly half a year.

 

It was a bit out of tune, but tuning it felt like second nature, something I’d done hundreds of times and didn’t have to think about. My hands fell into place on the frets like they were made to be there. After messing around with some chords for a bit, getting the muscle memory back in shape, I grabbed the nearest paper and writing utensil I could find - a red crayon and one of Rhi’s dinosaur coloring books. I had a verse I just had to write down before I forgot it. Something Kevin had said stuck in my head and sparked a part of my brain alight that hadn’t been functional for the last two years.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such a hard time finishing this chapter, sorry! I had an end, but no beginning, so it took a while.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!!! 😃


	9. Hippopotamus

As the winter months turned to spring, Rhia and I explored the farm and our little village, beyond just the library and farmer’s market. We found a playground that a lot of other kids from the toddler storytime visited, and a bookstore with lots of toys and stuffed animals (her new fav) for Rhia to fall in love with.

 

While waiting for her by the checkout, a notebook caught my eye. It had a dark green cover a leather cord to tie it shut. The pages were an off white, almost cream, color, and felt so soft. I hadn’t had a notebook in years (two, to be exact), finding writing on my phone to be just as successful and more convenient than a notebook. But something about this notebook spoke to me and I felt compelled to buy it (along with whatever stuffed animals Rhia picked out).

 

“Papa?” Rhia interrupted my thoughts, and I turned around to see her standing with the shopkeeper.

 

“She was coloring on the walls.” The shopkeeper stated, not sounding too mad, but certainly not too happy.

 

“Rhiannon,” I scolded, kneeling in front of her. “You cannot draw on the walls, or anywhere else, besides your coloring books.”

 

“Coloring books boring.” She replied with an impish smile. I gave her another scolding look and she finally said “sowwy.”

 

“Now apologize to the shopkeeper,” I instructed, and she turned and repeated her adorable apology. 

 

“I’m so sorry about that, how much do I owe you?” I asked her and grabbed my wallet.

 

“50 pounds.” 

 

“50?” I glanced up at her in disbelief but grabbed the amount anyway.

 

“Paint’s not cheap, and unless you want to paint the wall yourself, I have to pay someone to do it.” She explained.

 

“I don’t have anyone to watch her, so we’d probably end up with more coloring on the wall if I did do it myself.” I smiled politely and handed over the money. “Keep the change.”

 

“Thanks...sorry, I didn’t catch your name?” 

 

“It’s Harry.” I said, and Rhia quietly repeated ‘Hawwy’ since we are learning names right now.

 

She held out her hand to shake as she introduced herself. “Allison, nice to meet you.”

 

Again, Rhia repeated her name, except she couldn’t quite say the whole thing, and shortened it to “Alli”, or as I heard it, Ellie.

 

Letting go of her hand, my arm dropped to my side and it suddenly caught up to me. A bookstore, staffed by a brunette who appeared to be around Ellie’s age, and even the same height, right? How tall was Ellie? I used to know the exact height my arms would rest if wrapped around her shoulders. How could I forget that?

 

Allison had kneeled to talk to Ellie while I mentally freaked out. “My friends call me Allie, but I guess you can too.” She smiled at Rhia, and Rhia returned her grin. “As long as you don’t color on the walls.” She joked, standing up to talk to me.

 

“I have to go, sorry,” I blurted out and scooped Rhia up in my arms.

 

“Playground?” Rhia asked optimistically, but I shook my head.

 

“Not today, love, sorry.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead as I strapped her into her car seat, but it did not assuage her tears. She wailed all the way home, until she saw the sheep and they baa’d at her. She’s still a little scared of the sheep, but they never fail to cheer her up.

 

After a snack, she soon forgot about our missed trip to the playground and fell asleep. I, however, was not able to forget that easily and found myself wallowing. For the first time, I was tempted to go through old pictures and videos of her, but stopped myself. It was too painful to think about doing that yet.

 

The next morning Rhia and I went through our morning routine as usual. I rushed to eat and take a shower before she woke up, and then fed and dressed her. We played for a bit, and went over shapes and colors for a while. Then she got bored and started drawing in one of her coloring books.

 

Watching her color, it suddenly hit me: I forgot to pay for the notebook yesterday. I was in such a rush to leave the bookstore that I didn’t put it away before we left. Did Rhia have anything in her hands at the time? She’s so sneaky about grabbing things when I’m not looking, but I’ve gotten much better at checking her hands before we leave. Yet, yesterday was different. I was not 100% myself when we ran out of the bookstore.

 

Panicking, I quickly gathered Rhi’s things together and packed a bag for her. I shoved the notebook in the bag, and walked her out to the car.

 

“Playground?” She excitedly asked, and this time I nodded.

 

“Yes, but we’re going to stop by the bookstore first. Papa forgot something there yesterday.” I explained, and she squealed with delight. On the drive there, I tried to figure out how I was going to explain what had happened yesterday. Allison probably thought I was crazy running out like that, and now I’ve accidentally stolen a notebook. Hopefully, she didn’t notice, but I still had to go back and pay for it.

 

Rhia was excited to see all the stuffed animals again, but I kept a close watch on her this time. Once she’d selected one she liked, I sheepishly made my way up to the register. I avoided making eye contact with Allison, but Rhia seemed excited to see her.

 

“Back so soon?” Allison joked, and I gave an embarrassed smile.

 

“Well, we were on our way to the park and stopped by,” I explained and reached for the toy Rhia was holding so I could check out, but she wouldn’t let go. “Can I see the hippopotamus for a minute?”

 

“No, my hippomas!” She screeched.

 

“Rhia, if you want to bring the hippopotamus home, you have to give it to me for a second, so she can ring it up.” 

 

“But Papa, you took the notebook home yesterday without-” She started, in a surprisingly clear and understandable dialect.

 

“That’s the other reason we’re here,” I interrupted her, and grabbed the notebook from Rhia’s bag. I bit my lip and set it on the counter, not sure what to say. “We left in a hurry, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was still in my hand until we got home.”

 

Allison laughed and wrung the notebook and stuffed animal up. “Hey, at least you brought it back, that’s better than most shoplifters.”

 

“It was an accident, I swear.” I clarified, laughing at the situation.

 

“I understand, you had your hands full.” She replied with a glance at Rhi, and gave me my total. As I paid, Rhia slipped the hippo from the checkout counter and squealed with happiness as she hugged it. Allison gave me a smile as Rhi raced to the door screaming about the park.

 

“Sorry, keep the change!” I called before slipping out the door behind Rhia. That was embarrassing, but at least Allison seemed to find it amusing. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, my computer had a virus or something! I finally typed this up on my phone, so pardon the errors. : )
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!!


	10. Rhi Needs a Sheep

With my new writing notebook, ideas for songs seemed to flow off the tip of my pen. None of them were good enough for an album, at least not without a lot of work, so I panicked a bit when I got a call from my manager, Jeff, that summer.

 

“Listen, Harry, no one expects you to write an album a year, but it would be reassuring to know you were working on something.” He said after the usual polite greetings.

 

I was a bit shocked. “Yeah, I have a few ideas, but I’m not really planning an album or anything. I thought I’d made it clear I was going to take some time for myself for a while.”

 

I could hear a shift in his tone after this. “How much time were you thinking? You’ve taken some time, and…” he didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to. 

 

I couldn’t believe he was asking this. “You can’t exactly put a timeline on something like this. I’ll take as much time as I need to, months, years, who knows.”

 

He sighed, and I could tell he was trying to mask his impatience. “But you’re coming back, right?” He asked and hesitated. “You’ve completed your three album deal with Columbia, so now would be a good time to consider negotiating a new deal. The window of time is closing, however, especially considering your behavior towards the end of your last tour.”

 

“Jeff, I’ll let you know when I’m ready.” I tried to answer as politely as I could.

 

“The thing is, our contract is coming to a close soon, so if you’d like to negotiate new terms we can set a date for that.” 

 

This startled me even more. I couldn’t believe it had already been that long. When we signed the deal after I left 1D, five years seemed like such a long time. “Why would we need to negotiate new terms?”

 

“Well, I have other clients who require more time, so unless you want to continue paying me for nothing…”

 

He’s basically dropping me, is what he’s trying to say. I swore to myself and shook my head. “No, that’s okay. We don’t need to renegotiate.”

 

Ending the call, I returned to playing dinosaurs with Rhi and didn’t think too much about our conversation. Yet, it did put me in an odd state of mind and I realized I was coming to a crossroads in my life. I could either carry on as I have been, or make some changes. I didn’t exactly plan on living in a farmhouse in Cornwell forever, yet, I hadn’t really planned much of anything.

 

So, perhaps this is why I said yes.

 

After storytime at the library that week, Rhi insisted we go to the park with some of the other kids. She hated to be left out of anything, so when her friend Emberly bragged about going to the playground with half of the class, she insisted we tag along. I don’t normally do stuff with the other parents since I didn’t really fit in. We probably have very different backgrounds (if any of them have been in famous boybands, I’ve never heard of them) and I also want to avoid questions about ‘where’s her mum?’. So far, they’ve been polite enough not to ask, but we don’t get too much time to socialize in storytime (and it helps that we’re always the last ones to arrive and we don’t mingle once it’s over). 

 

But today I got dragged into going to the park with them and had to force myself to talk to the other parents while the kids played. I mostly listened, since I was the clear outsider in the group, and got caught up on the local gossip on who’s dating who and whatnot.

 

I finally got my chance to escape when Rhia came running up to me and demanded we go to the bookstore. She wanted to see if they had a stuffed animal sheep, so I agreed to walk to the store with her. I helped her look, but we did not find any sheep among the display of animals. I shrugged and apologized, but Rhi wouldn’t stop there and dragged me up to the front of the store to ask.

 

“Allie?” She called and I picked her up so she could see over the counter. Allison wasn’t in sight, so Rhi slammed her hand on the bell on the desk to get her attention.

 

“Shhh, gently, Rhi.” I reprimanded her, and Allison appeared shortly.

 

“I heard you were looking for a sheep, so I went out back and opened a new shipment of toys.” She explained and pulled something from behind her back. “Look what I found!” She held a sheep out toward us, and Rhi took it with a squeal of delight.

 

“Sheep!” She grabbed it and buried her face in its soft fleece. She wiggled out of my arms to go play with it, but I stopped her.

 

“What do you say?” I asked.

 

“Thank you Allie!” She said quickly and kept running toward the toy section.

 

I laughed and paid for the sheep. “Thank you, that was really kind of you.”

 

“No problem, anything for my two best customers.” She joked, and I blushed.

 

“I guess we do come here a lot,” I answered, thinking of Rhia’s growing collection of stuffed animals. “She loves the stuffed animals and insists we come back every week.”

 

She handed me my receipt and gave me a shy look. “Is that all?” She asked quietly.

 

“Yeah, for now, unless she finds another animal to take home.” I joked, but realized Allison wasn’t laughing.

 

“I mean,” she started and swallowed. “Is that the only reason you keep coming back here?”

 

My mind went blank for a minute and didn’t get what she was trying to say, or why she was blushing like that.

 

“It’s right near the park, so it’s convenient to walk here after, or vice versa; sometimes we stop here first and go play on the playground with whatever toy she’s picked out.”

 

“Nevermind.” She laughed and turned to go.

 

It was like walking into a well-lit room after spending years huddled by the light of a flickering 20 watt light bulb.  _ ‘On my god,’ _ I thought,  _ ‘She’s flirting with me _ ’.

 

I tried to backtrack and think of a witty comeback, but my mind was blank. I hadn’t flirted in ages and couldn’t think of anything to say to that. 

 

“Well,” I started, and she stopped, turning slightly to face me again. “You have a nice selection of notebooks here, too.”

 

She smiled and laughed in an un-awkward, un-nervous way - an actual, genuine, laugh; it was like auditory sunshine. Suddenly flustered at having experienced feelings for the first time in two years (though, not sure which feelings, yet) I blushed, and blinked an unnecessary amount of times.

 

“Would you, maybe, want to get coffee sometime?” She hesitantly asked.

 

I nodded, unsure of how to respond, but smiled and said, “Sure, that would be great.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have something planned for Allison, but feedback is always welcome. I really liked this chapter, I don’t know why, but I literally smiled while writing it up :D
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting! : )


	11. Harry Styles and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad First Date

_ ‘Okay, Harry, you got this.’ _ I said to myself in the mirror.  _ ‘It’s just coffee, something you drink every day, like a normal human being.’ _

 

I reexamined my outfit and wondered if it was too much - or not enough? Should I wear a collared shirt? Or is that too formal?

 

I opened my closet to see what I had available; a tie hanging off a hanger caught my eye and I panicked. Grabbing my phone, I texted Gems:

 

*Should I wear a tie to get coffee?

 

A minute later she responded with a question:

 

*Just a tie?

 

*No, like for a date

 

I replied, and waited. She took her time, but finally responded:

 

*Wear whatever you want, just be yourself

 

*Who is that again?

 

I answered, and she replied:

 

*lol, don’t overthink this. Send me a picture if you’re not sure.

 

I did exactly that, since I definitely wasn’t sure.

 

*That looks fine! Good luck

 

I thoroughly looked at myself in the mirror one last time before mumbling ‘screw it’ and heading out to the living room. Our landlady, Mrs. Dwyer, kindly offered to watch Rhia for me, mainly, I think, because she knows I never get out. I went over a few things with her, but she assured me they would be fine.

 

Wanting an excuse to delay, I brushed my hair again, but Mrs. Dwyer reprimanded me, insisted I look fine, and shooed me out the door. 

 

“Can’t be late for your first date.” She called after me as I got in the car. I waved to her and Rhia, and sat there for a moment before starting my car. 

 

_ ‘Is this a date?’ _ I asked myself as I drove there.  _ ‘No, it’s just coffee’ _ I lied, not even slightly believing myself. 

 

But of course, it’s never just coffee; there were scones too, so it was a meal. Not exactly breakfast, but more like brunch, maybe ore a mid-morning snack.

 

Allison had to be at the bookstore by noon, which I was thankful for because that gave us a set end time to our brunch date. Or, whatever this was. Though, if it were brunch, there would usually be mimosas, because, god, I could have gone for a mimosa. 

 

But no, I don’t really need that. I’m an adult, and can get through drinking coffee with another adult without needing alcohol. Besides, she had to work, so drinking was out of the question.

 

At the close of our date, I accidentally brought this up and mentally smacked myself as soon as I’d sat it.

 

“Maybe for our next date, we can get a proper drink,” I joked, but Allison looked surprised.

 

“Sure, I’ll call you?” She said, and I scrambled.

 

“Um, yeah, here’s my number.” I started searching for a pen or something to write with.

 

“Let me see if I have a pen in here….” She searched her purse, but came up empty. “You can just add it to my contacts.” She opened her phone to the correct page and handed it to me. 

 

I took her phone and stared blankly, forgetting my own phone number. I never needed to give it out to anyone, and anyone that needed it already had it (or got it from Jeff probably). I pulled out my own phone to look it up but found the battery had died since, in my panic this morning, I’d forgotten to charge my phone. 

 

“Sorry, I’m completely spacing on my number right now.” I apologized and handed her phone back. “I’ll give it to you the next time I’m in the bookstore.”

 

She said it was fine, but I blushed in embarrassment. Could it get any worse than that?

 

Well, yes, apparently it can, because when it came time to pay, the waitress said their card reader wasn’t working so we needed to pay in cash. I opened my wallet, and awkwardly didn’t have any cash on hand.

 

“Sorry, again, I’ll have to stop by the ATM to grab some cash.” I apologize again, feeling like a broken record.

 

“Well, it probably doesn’t help that the bookstore only accepts cash.” She joked, but it only made me more embarrassed, realizing I’d spent all my money on stuffed animals.

 

“I’ll pay for the next one to make it up.” I offered, then cringed realizing I’d again brought up a second date - I probably sounded desperate at this point.

 

“Hey, I don’t mind paying, and there’s no rule that the guy has to pay for a date. Besides,” Allison added. “I’m the one who asked you out, so it’s only fair.” She smiled cheekily. “But, I will take you up on that offer to pay for the next one. Drink -not coffee- I think is what you suggested?”

 

“Yeah, if you want, absolutely.”

 

“Maybe this weekend? If you can find someone to watch Rhia, that is.” She added.

 

“Of course, yeah, I’ll see if I can arrange that. I’ll, um…” I was going to say I’d text her, but I didn’t have her number yet. “I’ll see you around.”

 

She nodded, smiling politely before turning to leave I watched her go, accidentally catching her eyes as she turned to close the door. Embarrassed, I looked away and quickly gathered my things. The waitress approached me with a pen, and for a second I thought she was going to ask for an autograph.

 

“Are you still looking for a pen?” She asked and I glanced outside to look for Allison. She was out of sight, so I shook my head and thanked her for the offer.

 

Finally getting up to leave, I felt jittery and anxious, and I don’t think it was just from the coffee.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from the ‘Alexander’ kids books : )
> 
> This was such an awkward chapter to write, but that’s kind of the point, I think. Poor Harry! He’s so rusty and out of practice xD
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading, writing, and commenting :D


	12. Silver Linings

Now that I had a bit more going on in my life, I found that song writing came a bit more fluidly. Or rather, the content of the lyrics became a bit more varied and focused much less on sheep, and more on, well, interesting things.

 

Since I had a few more songs that were potentially album worthy, I thought I should set about replacing Jeff. He made it clear he was more interested in clients who actually made music, or, as is more likely the case, clients who don’t have breakdowns and cancel their tours and go off to live on a farm for months. It’s reasonable, I suppose, but it definitely seemed time we parted ways. I need a manager who is actually going to be on my side and not push me, someone who would let me dictate the terms of my own life. Afterall, it’s not just my life anymore; I have to worry about Rhia far more than I do myself.

 

With my assistant looking into that for me, I set out to face my next challenge: my second date with Allison. I researched local pubs, taverns, and restaurants to find the right one, based on location, decor, menu, and aesthetics (I’d hate to go anywhere too fancy, yet I’d also hate to take her to a sports bar). I even drove by a few of them to make sure they looked okay before making my final choice. 

 

Rhia made sure I got to the bookstore, which gave me an opportunity to give Allison my number and set a time and place for our next date. I was so out of practice that I fumbled the whole thing and forgot the name of the pub I’d picked out. I drew a complete blank, and the names she listed off didn’t ring a bell.

 

“I’ll, umm, I’ll surprise you,” I added with a suave smile, feeling slightly proud that I’d saved that. She grinned back at me and her eyes sparkled in excitement. 

 

I contacted Mrs. Dwyer and she was more than happy to watch Rhi again for me. I’m glad the two of them seem to get along, because I could use a bit of a social life. 

 

After storytime at the library that week, I was so focused on getting Rhi out the door on time so I could prepare for my date, that I almost didn’t notice one of the mom’s approaching me. I recognized her as Amberly’s mom -the one who always brought juice boxes- but couldn’t fathom her name at the moment.

 

“Hey, Harry?” She asked timidly, and I thought she was either going to ask for an autograph or ask me out on a date.

 

“Yes...I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name?” I asked, and she blushed.

 

“It’s Caeleigh,” she answered, and I nodded, trying to lock that information away for the next time.

 

“That’s much better than ‘Amberly’s mum’.” I joked, and she laughed a little too hard.

 

“Well, speaking of Amberly, her birthday is next weekend and she would like to invite Rhi to the party.”

 

“Oh…” That was not what I was expecting, and had to backtrack a little. I was prepared to let her down if she’d asked me out, since I’m seeing someone (right? That’s what that is, right?) but this had nothing to do with me, really. “That’s wonderful, I’m sure she’d loved to go.”

 

“Yay!” She grinned and handed me the invitation, decorated in turquoise and periwinkle. She waved quickly and left to hand out a few more invitations. I gathered Rhi to go home and wondered what exactly a three year old’s birthday party entailed. Would I have to go with her, or just drop her off? No, I’d probably have to stay and supervise her, socialize with the other parents. We’d have to get her a gift, too, but that should be easy; we’ll stop by the bookstore and pick something out. 

 

Thinking of the bookstore sent an unfamiliar sense of excitement, of anticipation, fluttering through my stomach. I was nervous and scared for my date with Allison tonight, but also curious, and looking forward to it. It was different, it was a change, it was progress; it was moving on, it was coming to terms - it was everything everyone said I needed to be doing.

 

She looked gorgeous in a pale violet dress, and I told her so because it was the polite thing to do, right? To tell your date she looks stunning? She blushed, and I admit that sparked something - I’m not sure what it was, but it was almost like a competition to get her to smile or blush or laugh again. 

 

It certainly got more entertaining and less awkward once we got through the first round of drinks. She told me a funny story about her cats, and I didn’t know she had cats, but I laughed anyway. I told her how much Rhi liked cats, but realized there was a lot I didn’t know about Allison yet. I didn’t even know how old she was; she looks about my age, but I’m really bad at guessing ages.

I tried to ask some instigating questions without sounding creepy.

 

“So, did you grow up around here?” I asked casually and she nodded.

 

“Born and raised. I left to go to university in London, but came back afterwards.” She explained and I nodded.

 

“And the bookstore?” I prodded further.

 

“I started shortly after I realized teaching wasn’t exactly my thing.” She shrugged, and I nodded in understanding, mumbling something probably needing a lot of patience for that.

 

“What about you? Handsome strangers don’t often roll into our little town like that.” She asked, and now it was my turn to blush.

 

I laughed at her phrasing, but paused to think of what to say. Does she not know who I am? How much should I say? I thought about it before finally answering, “I just needed a change of pace.”

 

She nodded and said it was understandable, and luckily our food arrived just then so I didn’t have to elaborate more. We nibbled on our food in silence for a minute before I offered to pick up our next round of drinks.

 

“I’m all set, but thank you,” she declined, indicating her half full glass. 

 

I nodded, and brought my glass up to the bar for another beer, but as I watched the person in front of me order, I decided to go with what he was having as well. It had been forever since I’d had whiskey, and one wouldn’t hurt, right?

 

As soon as the bartender set the glass on the counter I had a sip, and ended up drinking the whole thing. Once the liquid touched my lips it was like going back to a different time, and I knew just one sip was not going to happen. I paused before setting the glass down and asking for a refill. I glanced back at Allison, and she had her back to me. I felt relieved, somehow, yet also a little guilty.

 

I brought my whiskey back to the table and we continued dinner, but something was a little different. Not with her, but from my side. Once the whiskey started to work it’s magic, I loosened up a bit (hopefully not too much). Though, after months of not having anything stronger than apple juice, a beer and two whiskies was enough to make me worried about driving home. 

 

We both ordered coffee with our dessert, and that cleared my head up quickly. I made sure to pay this time around, not that it really mattered, but I felt bad about showing up empty handed to our coffee date. As we left, I wrangled with the idea of holding her hand while we walked her to her car, or whether or not I should kiss her goodbye. I wasn’t sure what was considered standard etiquette, I was so out of practice with this type of thing. All those rom-coms I’d seen didn’t seem to help because this was real and unscripted, and there’s no right way to go on a date (though there are surely wrong ways). 

 

I pushed that all aside and hoped she’d make the first move, since I was overly confused. We slowly walked toward her car and finished up our conversation, neither of us moving toward the other. I had a feeling she was waiting for me, while I was waiting for her. I’m not sure why, but as she turned to unlock her car I reached out and gently took her hand, spinning her back around to face me.

 

“I had a really nice time tonight,” I said, looking down into her wide brown eyes, her mouth open a bit in surprise.

 

“Me, too, we should do this again sometime.” She smiled and bit her lip, and I took that as a sign. I leaned in and brushed my lips across her cheek for the softest of soft kisses, and pulled away quickly.

 

“I’ll call you, thank you for dinner.” She said, still smiling, as she climbed into her car. 

 

I waved as she drove away, and walked to my car with a bit of a skip in my step. I hadn’t messed up, and I think I made a lot of progress - both with her, and with myself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> orry for the long delay (has it really been over a month??) this summer has been crazy. It’s been too hot to think, and finally sat down and finished this chapter. I’d had part of the next chapter written and was trying to bridge the gap between it and the last chapter and fill in all the pieces.  
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you’re all having a lovely summer! Thank you for reading and commenting:D


	13. Sex, No Coffee

Rhi and I stopped by the bookstore to pick up a birthday present for Amberly. She didn’t understand that I was asking her to pick something out for someone else and not for herself and had a bit of a tantrum, so I promised to buy the same stuffed animal for her as well. Once the tears were dried, we went up to the counter to check out, and I wasn’t sure if it would be awkward with Allison or not. 

 

If it was awkward, she didn’t show it. In fact, she asked me out to the movies once Rhia was out of ear-shot. I was shocked, and hadn’t been to the movies in forever, it seemed, but mostly I was just excited about going on our third date in three weeks.

 

“I can pick you up at 7?” I offered, and she nodded. “As long as Mrs. Dwyer can babysit, of course,” I added with a bit of a smirk, knowing our landlady was always willing to watch Rhia.

 

“I’m free Sunday night as well, if that would be more convenient.” Allison offered.

 

“No, Saturday’s great. We’re going to a friend of Rhi’s birthday party that day, so it’ll give me something to look forward to while surrounded by screaming toddlers.” We both laughed at that image, and parted ways with one last glance at each other. I don’t know if Rhia was oblivious or thought this was normal, but she tromped out to the car with her new stuffed chicken like she didn’t have a care in the world. Which, honestly, she didn’t. She didn’t know her dad was trying to date for the first time in years, and the process of opening his heart again was both terrifying and exhilarating.

 

The rest of the week seemed to pass by as slowly as possible, but I kept myself distracted by playing with Rhi and Cheddar, and when I had time, writing a bit. I felt like I couldn’t even focus on making an album or trying to even think about anything like that. Right now I had to focus on me -and Rhi, of course- but I was finally healing, or progressing, and doing what I needed to do to become ‘me’ again.

 

Amberly’s birthday party...wow. I hope Rhia doesn’t now expect that for her own birthday, because I don’t think I have the patience nor organizational skills to pull that off. Caeligh went all out with balloons, streamers, confetti - I found glitter behind Rhi’s ears for days after the party. She had a cake with Amberly’s favorite dinosaur on it -a teal triceratops- and covered in edible orange glitter. It was delicious, but most of the kids ended up with teal and orange on their faces, clothes, hair, etc. 

 

But it was fun, stressful, but fun. She liked her stuffed chicken, and Rhi again got confused that it wasn’t for her. I had to remind her she had her own chicken at home, and this one belonged to Amberly, but she didn’t like that. Yet, when the cake came out she forgot what she was upset about and moved on to smearing orange, glittery frosting on her and Amberly’s faces. It was cute, but made a huge mess.

 

Overall, it kept me distracted from my date that night. Something felt different this time around - like I wasn’t as nervous as before because it was our third date; yet, I was acutely aware of a shift in our relationship. As if, maybe, we were ready to take it to the next level? To make it official (whatever that even means?). I tried not to have too many expectations going into our date that evening and just let things happen, but as always, I’m not good at that. I’m very good at making things awkward and putting my foot in my mouth.

 

Allison and I walked back to my car after the movie, hand in hand, discussing our favorite parts of the film, and progressively walking slower as we got closer to the car. I opened the door for her before hopping into the driver’s seat, and with my hand on the ignition, paused. If anything was going to happen, now was the time.

 

“So, should I drive you home, or…” I paused, not knowing what else we would do (though certainly having several ideas, not wanting to say them out loud.)

 

“I-I could go for a drink, maybe?” She hesitantly offered.

 

“Do you want to stop by a pub? It’s not too late, they should still be open.” I offered, and noticed some hesitancy in her reaction. “Or we could grab some coffee, maybe? I’m not sure what’s open at this hour, but we could pop by my place and I’d be happy to make us a cup.”

 

She again looked hesitant, but not nervous. She lowered her eyes for a second, bit her lip, and looked back at me with an expression I don’t ever want to forget. “Yes to the second option, but without the coffee.” 

 

It took me a second, but once I realized what she meant, I started my car so quickly I forgot how to drive and stalled it. Rhi should be long asleep by now, so there was no reason we couldn’t head back to my place and...not have coffee.

  
  


* * *

  
  


I woke up not alone for the first time in two and a half years; it was odd. I was so set in my patterns and routines that I wasn’t sure how to envelope someone into that.

 

_ ‘Well, normally I get up and make coffee, so I’ll just see if she wants any,’  _ I thought as I rolled over to face her. She had her back to me, her dark hair draped over her bare shoulder. I had such a flashback I almost got whiplash.

 

“Hey Ellie, I’m going to make some coffee, do you want some?” I asked quietly, not sure if she was awake or not. 

 

Her fluid breathing movements halted for a moment before she turned over. “It’s Allie, though you usually call me Allison.” She stared at me with her lips pressed thin. “I see why now.”

 

Shocked, I looked at her ,speechless, with confusion and surprise. I knew exactly what she was talking about, yet at the same time I had no idea - mainly because I didn’t want to confront the notion myself.

 

“Her name was Ellie, I know. I know who you are, Harry, I’m not stupid. It was all over the news when she passed away.” She stated, and I felt the air slowly leave my lungs. I felt like I was in trouble, but I didn’t know what for. I watched, dumbstruck, as she got up and dressed.

 

“I thought it was a coincidence that we both worked in a bookstore, but I guess it’s not.” She continued, finally turning to face me. “You’re not over her yet, you’re not ready; it’s a shame because, well, I do really like you.” She gave a sheepish smile at that.

 

“I didn’t even realize...it wasn’t on purpose, I don’t think…” I stammered, not able to find the words needed.

 

“I’ll see you around the bookstore. It’s better I go before Rhia wakes and sees me.” She concluded with a polite smile, and I nodded.

 

And just like that, I was alone again.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a little short, but I absolutely love this chapter. I’ve had the second half written for a while now and wanted to post it as soon as I wrote it, but had to write all the in-between chapters xD
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, it’s another turning point for Harry and the story’s going to pick up a bit after this. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, and voting!! :D
> 
>  
> 
> And if you don’t mind, please vote for my story ‘Petunia’s Tea and Cake Shop’ in the 5SOS fanfic awards!!! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScsEEnUWvCk7xeHH-TKBFSgCM7E5AUnnYP-AF-TAIoyMZVEVg/viewform
> 
>  
> 
> (Thank you!!!:D)


	14. Off the Farm

Okay, I’ve had my fun hiding away on a sheep farm for a year, it’s time for me to get back to my life. 

 

Things have been running smoothly with my new manager Olivia, and she felt optimistic about getting an album out sometime as early as this spring. It being September, that may seem like a lot of time - but it’s not. I’ve had to get the band back together, and since Mitch, Sarah, Clair, and Adam weren’t just sitting around waiting for me, I had to wait for them to become available too. 

 

That wasn’t my main problem, though; I had nowhere to live. I knew I couldn’t go back to the house in London, not with the memories it held, so I had to sell it and find somewhere for Rhia and I to start afresh. I needed to get her into preschool too, which was much harder than I thought it would be. I had to visit various preschools, not only to select one that I liked, but to ensure I passed their standards as well. I felt like I was being interviewed for university or a really fancy job. 

 

I should not have listened to people (Jeff) who advised met that ‘you’re Harry Styles, your daughter can get into any preschool she wants’ because that simply was not the case. Then again, after looking at the more prestigious preschools in London and seeing the parents and kids who went there, I thought perhaps it had been a blessing in disguise that Rhia ended up somewhere less expensive. She’d made friends in Cornwall with more average, everyday type of kids, and it might have been a bit of a shock to transition to a preschool fit for royalty (literally), and honestly, I felt more comfortable with those types of parents as well.

 

Since we couldn’t continue living out of a hotel, I started to look at houses near Rhia’s preschool. The real estate agent kept trying to steer me back towards the bigger and fancier houses, but one thing I learned in Cornwall was that I could do just okay in a normal house. I wanted something big enough that I could set up a recording studio at home, but nothing too extravagant. A few guest bedrooms for mum and Gems when they come to visit, but really, Rhi and I don’t need too much. 

 

I brought Rhi along to look at the final selection of houses, and she immediately fell in love with the winding staircase in the first house, and shrieked when she saw the back garden. I think our choice was made.

 

Next came the hard part. Discreetly purchasing the house was easy enough, and getting the walls repainted, and everything cleaned was not difficult, but furnishing the house became a nightmare. Not because I don’t like picking out furniture and decorations (again, Rhi helped immensely with that) but because I had to go through all the stuff I had in storage from my previous houses. What items could I part with, and what still had memories attached to it? And of those, which had memories I wouldn’t want re-awoken each time I looked at an end table?

 

Rhia was less helpful at this, but at least she could tell me what she liked and didn’t like. That helped narrow it down a bit, but for the rest, I had to go through it piece by piece to see if it matched the decor of the new house, and how much it reminded me of Ellie.

 

I didn’t even bother looking at all of her clothes we had stored away, and would have gotten rid of them except Gemma pointed out that Rhia might be interested in them one day. Maybe not wearing them, since who knows if they’ll be the same size, but at least looking through them to get an idea of who she was. Things like that always make me feel a whole new wave of sadness and loss, not for myself, but for Rhia - having to grow up without a mom and not having that second parent. She has Gemma and my mum, and Ellie’s family, but that role can’t be replaced or filled in. 

 

I had a couple boxes of her things sent to the new house to go through whenever I was feeling up to it, just to keep some of her around. I wanted to find something that would spark a good memory and make me smile whenever I saw it. I found that framed picture of us mum gave me for my birthday hidden in here somewhere, and the copy of  _ Anne Of Green Gables _ I bought the night I met her. I smiled and placed the book on the bookshelf in my office, and stood the picture frame on my desk. It was a start, but I still had four big boxes to go through and the rest of the house to imprint her memory on. Looking at the time, I decided to put it off until another day and grabbed my coat to pick Rhia up from preschool.

 

She told me all about the new friends she’d made in the last week as we walked home and all the fun projects they’ve been working on. I could tell today’s project was painting, since she had a bit behind her ear still. When we got home I washed her up, and started to get ready for the small housewarming party Gemma insisted I have. She said it was like my ‘reintroduction to society’ or something after living as a hermit on a sheep farm for a year. 

 

I told her she was being dramatic, but went along with it anyway. It’s probably a good idea for me to catch up with my mates and see people other than Rhia and my mum. And, I was excited, yet also very nervous, to introduce Rhia to some old friends. She’s met a few people, like Mitch and Sarah and a few others, but she’s grown so much and might not even remember them.

 

Gemma and mum arrived around four to set up, and mum designated herself babysitter for the evening. I didn’t complain, though I had planned on using Rhi as an excuse to get out of awkward social situations. Gems bought a new outfit for Rhi, since she’s a ‘cool aunt’ and impatiently waited for Rhia to wake up from her nap so she could dress her in it.

 

By the time the first guests arrived, Rhi was up and dressed in her sparkly outfit, ready to meet papa’s work friends, as she called them. People trickled in slowly, and she shyly introduced herself to each one. After a while, I lost track of who was here, so I was more than surprised to see Rhi running around with a boy a little older than her. 

 

“Bear! Put that down.” I voice I knew very well called after the boy, and I spun around to see my old bandmate Liam snatching a fork out of his son’s hand. “And no running indoors. Especially not with forks.”

 

I approached him with a grin once I was sure the scolding was over and he smiled back. “Payno! How are you?”

 

“I’m doing well, and you?” He asked and we briefly hugged.

 

“Okay, I guess, things are a little hectic, but I’m glad to be back at it.” I answered, and suddenly didn’t know what to say.

 

“She must be a handful, I can imagine,” he said, gesturing to Rhi, who was now playing with one of her many stuffed animals.

 

“She is indeed, but we manage.” I smiled at her and watched as she tried to get Bear to play with her. Bear hesitated and looked at Liam, who nodded, and finally took the stuffed sheep she thrust in his arms.

 

“I’m glad to see you’re doing well.” He said, looking away from his son for a moment. “After...everything.” He seemed like he wanted to say more, but didn’t know how to put it.

 

I knew exactly what he meant, and nodded. “She keeps me sane,” I said, nodding toward Rhi with a grin. “And busy, that’s for sure.”

 

“Glad to see you back in London again. You were living on a farm, right?” He asked and laughed.

 

“Like a dairy farm?” A voiced added, and Niall popped out from behind the open refrigerator door with a beer in hand. “You guys want anything?”

 

Liam accepted his offer, but I turned him down. Drinking hadn’t really been my thing lately. “No thanks, and it was actually a sheep farm.”

 

“So you were, what, spinning wool and what not?” Niall asked, and we all laughed.

 

“No, nothing like that. Mainly just being a single dad, writing a bit here and there...not much really.” I realized how lame that sounded, but they nodded understandingly. 

 

We talked a bit more before I had to run after Rhia, and eventually put her to bed. As much as she wanted to stay up and see all our guests, she was getting cranky and it was way past her bedtime. 

 

“We should schedule a playdate for them sometime,” Liam suggested as he and Bear made their way out. “They seemed to have fun together despite him being two years older, and I’d love to catch up with you.”

 

“Yeah, of course, same!” I gave him a quick hug goodbye. 

 

I turned around to face the sea of guests mingling throughout my house, realizing maybe it was indeed smaller than I thought it was. But as they too made their way out over the next hour or so, the house emptied and it was suddenly just the right size for Rhia and I. I gave her a quick kiss goodnight and woke up my mum, sleeping in the rocking chair next to her. 

 

“Is it morning already?” She said as she sat up.

 

“No, I’m just headed to bed. I thought you might want to sleep in the guest bedroom instead of this chair.” 

 

“Definitely, my back is killing me.” She stretched and I led her to the guest room.

 

“Let me know if you need anything.” I said, looking around the bedroom to make sure I’d included the necessities. There were a few boxes of stuff in the corner waiting for me to go through, but the room was functional at the moment, and I don’t think mum cared that much. 

 

The next morning I woke up to the smell of someone making breakfast for the first time in I don’t know how long. It felt like Christmas or something, and I followed the smell of bacon down to the kitchen.

 

“Papa’s up!” Rhi screamed when she saw me and ran to give me a hug. “We’re making you breakfast.”

 

“Really? Thank you, sunshine!” I bent to hug her and swept her up in my arms. “What are you making me?”

 

“Just some bacon and eggs, and toast and coffee, too.” Mum explained, pointing to the toast and coffee waiting on the table.

 

“That’s more than I usually have, so thanks.” I smiled and sat down to eat. Rhia excitedly helped me get my food, and ate nearly half of it off my plate, despite insisting she’d already eaten and didn’t want her own plate. 

 

Mum sat across from me and smiled as she watched the two of us. She looked a bit wistful, but still happy. When Rhi took off to play in the other room, she looked at me for a long moment, until I finally asked her what was up.

 

“You look like you’re trying not to cry,” I commented, feeling a bit confused because she was still smiling.

 

“Well,” she paused and glanced over toward Rhia. “Last night, after you moved me into the guest bedroom, I couldn’t get to sleep at first.”

 

“Sorry, was the bed uncomfortable?” I asked. It was brand new and she was probably the first person to try it out.

 

“No, nothing like that. I’d just woken up from a nap, that’s all. But, instead of just lying in bed trying to sleep, I thought I’d help you go through some of those boxes in there.” She paused.

 

“Thank you, though, did you find something bad?” I asked, not understanding where she was going.

 

“No, not at all, nothing like that. But I do think it’s something you should look at.”

 

“Okay, what is it, though?” She was being so cryptic, I was starting to get concerned.

 

“I didn’t read them, I promise, I just looked at them long enough to know what they were.”

 

“Long enough to know what what were?” I was almost laughing at her now, since she wouldn’t just say it.

 

“Letters from Ellie, back when you were filming  _ ‘Dunkirk’ _ .”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay between chapters!! (I feel like I start every author’s note with that!) I was trying to get a story written for the Styles of Expression contest on time and couldn’t write two things at once xD The story is called ‘An Open Letter to Jolene’ if you’d like to check it out :D
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> Thank you for reading, voting, and commenting!!! : )


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